What Are You Trying to Say?

Communication is a very complex process, so complex that it is any wonder we are able to convey what is on our hearts at all. Yet, if a married couple ignores the intricacy of this domain, they are surely destined for a rocky relationship. As such there are three different segments of communicating: verbal, non-verbal and sub-verbal. When used effectively they all work to achieving effective communication.

Verbal communication is the most obvious component of the three entities. Part of the reason for this is the fact that words are a part of our daily life.  Then again words used in one culture as being seemingly innocent may reflect a most unsavory meaning in another culture. Then too,  sometimes the sheer selection of words may be rather poor, or show a disordinant amount of intensity. Words are difficult to choose just depending on their meaning and trying to convey one's viewpoint without needlessly offending the other person is a challenge.

Then there is non-verbal communication  which is has been lauded as the the most honest form of communication, but the most difficult to interpret. A person may exhibit the body language of closed posture which may mean that he/she is "closed" to revealing any additional information because of being upset. Or it could mean they are freezing. While we all communicate with our bodies and how they are positioned, we may not know the message we may inadvertently be sending. Non-verbal communication may be  a precarious thing when both men and women are engaged in the same discussion. For example, if a clueless male is sending non-verbal signals signal which are being interpreted by a female in close proximity as flirtatious, then that male in question needs to have someone to immediately administer  a dose of awareness before this goes any further. I have found it most effective that when I am most uncomfortable with what I perceive an inappropriate message coming from a female I have two choices. First, I can go screaming, running out the room as fast as I can go. (Probably not the best choice.) Or I have the opportunity to do a reality check  with my wife, Audrey. Wives, help your husbands out so that they do not get in a no-win situation.

you may partner with them when communication gets tricky.

Sub-verbal communication is the third type. This is a bit of a challenge to adequately convey in written form, because there are some non-verbal sounds that quite frankly I am not  sure how to spell. How do you spell clearing your throat? Or clicking your tongue in disgust? What about a breath of air expelled over relief of something? These and a myriad of other sub-verbal vocalizations communicate and influence the message we are sending and what we are feeling. That is why sub-verbal communication can endear someone to you or cause them to want to fight.  For instance, "Have a good day!" when said with a cheerful, positive attitude will probably be received very well. On the other hand, "Have a good day!" said with biting sarcasm will offend the intended receiver, even  though the words are innocent

One more thought; when communicating with your mate, remember a Greek word, oikodome edify. What you convey, even if you are confronting your mate, should have at its core building the other person up. It is not rocket science. Paul says, "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification" (Romans 14;19, N.I.V.).

A Father's Legacy

When you think of your father, what sort of image does the term conjure up in your mind. Fear? Dread? Unrealistic expectations? Patience? Love? Understanding?My father passed away over nineteen years ago. Yet, he left with me a powerful lesson in dealing with people who have wronged you. Dad was not perfect, but he applied his faith in the Lord that carried over to practical real-life situations like dealing with those who grievously sinned against him.

On the occasion of his sixty-fifth birthday, my sisters and I all wrote letters as a way to honor this special man for the impact he made on our lives. We all approached this in our own unique way. Each communicated a sense of gratitude for who he was. My letter reveals a small essence of what effect a loving father can have on his children. I would like to share an excerpt from the letter I wrote honoring my dad:

"A graphic illustration of the life you gave me in love occurred in the spring of 1969. Remember, it was the Father and Son Breakfast. We met a man who had hurt you terribly. Humanely speaking, I wanted to haul off and belt the guy. However, you taught me a lot by your response. You conveyed a loving, patient, and genuine concern for his well-being. That man was extremely ill at ease because of your love. My attitudes about loving the less lovable were stretched that morning. Now as the father of Krista & Ryan [ since then we have added Jason and Kara] I know something of the awesomeness it means to bring up one's children in the "training and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4, NIV). Thanks Dad, for giving us this kind of practical Christian parenting." (Any errors in the letter remained as the actual letter was written.)

The sense of spiritual impact is not a new concept by any means. This was one of the things that marked the life of Job. He understood the concept of being a priest of his home which meant he was the spiritual leader and was the initiator of making sure that his household was in right standing with God. We read, "So it was, when the days of feasting had run their course, that Job would send and sanctify them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, 'It may be that my sons have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.' Thus Job did regularly" (Job 1:5, NKJV). Even when Job was under the gun, losing his possessions, all of his children and most of his servants being killed, and his life partner wanted Job to give up on God and die. Reeling from such excruciating litany of tragedies, Job had the strength of character and commitment to the Lord to rebuke his grieving wife's counsel and remain faithful to God. Phenomenal!

We do not know all that transpired, but there are a few things we do know. God blessed Job with more children. You can never replace any child, but Job and his wife had the opportunity to experience the blessing of parenting once again. Each child is a priceless representation of the creative love of God in human form. But the implication is this that Job's solidarity of character aided his grieving wife, so that eventually she was able to process her grief, move forward and experience the joys of being a wife and mother again. (See Job 42;10-17.)

Final thought: if more men were as invested about being spiritual leaders in their homes and marriages as they are in their jobs or watching NFL game of the week, what effect would that have on their wives?