How Long Does Love Last?

Some years back someone thought they would bring a flair of progressiveness to marriage vows so they instituted something. Not only is it popular for many couple to write their own wedding vows, but to add a disclaimer - "as long as we both shall love."


On the surface that sounds really good. We want a marriage to last as long as we both shall love. After all, isn't this an attempt to reach out to her needs and show that I am really committed to this marriage? Or isn't this a wonderful way to say to my husband that I intend to stay in love? As you can see it does sound good. The problem is that it is flawed logic.


The logic goes like this: we desire collectively to stay in this marriage as long as we both feel that we are in love. And when either of us does not so feel that way, then that is the time to strike the death knell and say farewell to this relationship. Then we are free to move on to the next relationship as if we are sampling food at a buffet. This short-sighted thinking is right in par with those who espouse the virtues of starter marriages as they proceed to go from one failed relationship to another without thought or regret.


Unfortunately, a couple who marries with similar self-centered vows has a limited understanding of love. There is an aspect of love that is reciprocal. We call that phileo love. ( See the blog entitled, "Two Types of Love" on May 5, 2009.) On the other hand, agape love is the glue that goes beyond the warm fuzzy feelings. It is the love that motivates you to reach out to your wife and fix her a meal when she is not feeling well and you have a ton of work to do. Or it is that quality of defending your husband to others, even when he was not particularly kind to you the night before.


The thing that some people never get is that some stuff in marriage just doesn't matter. I think Paul said it best when he described love as "it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5, N.I.V.). The kind of love Paul describes was agape which is devoid of the warm fuzzies (feelings), because warm fuzzies come and go.

So, if you are anticipating getting married and want to write you own vows, drop the words that reflect marriage is all about you. Sooner or later you will realize it's a shared relationship that thrives on sacrificial love. For the rest of us who are married do your mate a favor and start reaching out to her/him as Christ modeled for us. (Be careful: the new behavior ma shock your mate if he/she has not seen it in a really long time.)