Respectful Fighting

Charlie Shedd wrote a book entitled Letters to Karen. In that work he wrote a chapter entitled "How to Fight Fairly". What Shedd seemed to be talking about is how to effectively communicate your concerns with your mate when you are at odds. There are two key concepts from his pithy gems that are worth paraphrasing. Putting these principles into practice may deter many sleepless nights and a myriad of hurt feelings.


Lower the volume of your voice - Have you ever noticed that when you are trying to get your point across to your life mate and he/she is not getting it, there is an assumption. The assumption is that your mate suddenly has lost their ability to hear. They must be going deaf. "No problem" you think to yourself. "I'll just say it a little louder". It does not take a person with a great deal of discernment to grasp this errant view. The issue is compounded when two people have the "more is better" philosophy regarding volume. Before you know it yelling has commenced which leads some to the next point. Instead, by lowering your volume, , when communicating something you feel strongly about, you are reigning in rogue feelings. Fewer decibels do a very peculiar thing - they force a person to communicate precisely the issue at hand.


Make sure your ammunition is not lethal - Very often when married couples believe the way to deal with frustrations is to yell and scream, then it is just a matter of time when unsavory comments are made. You know what is being referred to here. Brutal comments about one's physical attributes, one's ethnicity, family line and anything and everything else that can be used as leverage against one's mate. Sadly, this vicious altercation may seem "normal" in some sectors, but it is dysfunctional and will devastate a relationship over a long period of time after the last thoughtless word is shared.


When a couple decide to park insulting words at the door, and thereby attack the issue, better results are realized. Clearly for the Type A personality, this approach will initially seem like a waste of time. Yet, the living room couch gets pretty uncomfortable to sleep on, particularly for more than one night.


One of the most tragic things is when I hear accounts of people who have employed techniques that reveal they have little respect for their mates as when the attack mode is in gear. (See also the blog from a few weeks back on "The Spouse Assassination Game.) Paul declares in Eph 5:33, "Each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (NIV). The passage shows the husband to be the initiator of agape love who communicates caring for his wife's welfare, even when he simply does not feel like it. When a wife is treated in an unconditional loving manner, the results to offer respect to her husband will be greatly aided.

Final thought: thoughtless attacks on one's mate lead to hurt and bitter feelings, and often the
issue(s) are left unresolved. The patient loving communication of frustrations which has as its goal mutual respect and positive resolution is a win -win for all concern.


What do you think?

Parenting: A Level Playing Field

In the book The Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar one of his rules sticks out like a strobe light. Templar suggests that parents should never compare one child with another. The results are disastrous. What happens from this lopsided parenting leads children to assume that one is inferior to another sibling. One of the worst things a parent may say to their child is, "Why can't you be more like your brother (or sister)". Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, ineffective parenting has been around for ages. One of the earliest examples was offered by none other than Isaac and Rebekah. Now here is the kicker: Isaac was a godly man, but was clueless insofar as child rearing was concerned. Genesis 27 points out that their two sons, Esau and Jacob, were very different. Esau liked the hunting, outdoors and would probably have loved sports like kick boxing. Jacob, by contrast, had a quite nature, and tended to stick around the house. Jacob seemed more at home trying out a new recipe or viewing one of the latest cooking show. Verse 28 says it all, "Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob" (NIV). The boys grew up with a mutual dislike for each other. Years later as adults Esau and Jacob finally reconciled. (See Genesis 33.) Here's some things to do.

Celebrate each child's uniqueness. One of the things we have tried to do in our own home is to drill into our kids how God had uniquely gifted them. A way that helped seal the distinctiveness into the fiber of their being was by their names. Each of our children has a name with meaning. (If you are an expectant parent, you may want to avoid some names like Lo Ruhamah which in Hebrew means "not loved".)

On those rare occasions, OK, sometimes frequent episodes, when your child(ren) drive you up a wall, be careful what you say. Saying something stupid in the heat of a moment can start a firestorm of hurt that may take years to put out.

The real clincher in parenting that makes or breaks it is to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Our children need to see parents united. Also, when couples agree on parenting it tends to endear each partner to the other. When a child is giving one mate a hard time, stepping in and watching your mate's back is invaluable for parenting and marital security.

What do you think?

Dealing with Anger

From time to time anger is one of those emotions that causes us all some grief. The manner in which we communicate our frustrations in marriage will endear or repel our mates from us. The question we have to deal with is this: how do we relate to this challenging emotion?

Before addressing this question the Scriptures has some guidance for us. Paul instructs us, '"In your anger do not sin". Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Eph. 4:26-27, NIV). There are three things that may be deduced from this passage.

For one thing, anger in and of itself is not wrong. Throughout the course of the day there are a myriad of things which may cause us to feel anger. Of course, anger has varying levels of intensity. Dean Williams described these as "word weights". You may speak of being irritated, hurt, annoyed, upset, frustrated, enraged or ready to spit nails, but the common denominator is anger.  Yes, there is a world of difference between a person who is hurt and one who is enraged, - the difference being intensity.

Next, there is a call for resolution. Did your wife's third reminder to mow the lawn time because  cause you to feel a bit irritated? Or do you feel hurt when your husband's only words to you in the evening is, 'where's the remote"?  If so, then God has commissioned His people to deal with their frustrations. (Here's a hint: if we do not deal with the things which irritate us, then they can accumulate for a major problem at later date.)

Finally, the goal for dealing with anger is to resolve it before our heads hit our pillows. If we are all honest, there have been more than a few times when we have nursed grudges we have had. When anger resolution is delayed, the Enemy gets the victory, and we are distanced from our life partner.

Being angry is not sinful, but the misappropriation of this tricky emotion is. At no time is our anger justified merely so that we can "vent" on our unsuspecting, and often times, innocent mate.

It's your choice!

What do you think?

Termptation: Falling for a Lie

As a child you may recall a time when you were expressly forbidden to sample those tantalizing homemade chocolate chip cookies your mom had just baked. So, you developed a plan. A plan, not intending to disobey, but to appease your desire. Appease? Yes, your voracious appetite for just one chocolate chip cookie consumed you. After all, if you tasted just one cookie, your mom would never know. The plan was seamless in design as you moved with stealth into the kitchen. The only problem was execution of the misdeed- the cookie jar, unbeknownst to you, was close to the edge of the table. Crash! You are busted and the rest is history.

Temptation is the human plight for everyone since our forerunners, Adam and Eve, succumbed to a a seemingly innocent piece of fruit that was off limits. Yet, by the time a couple is married no longer is the target a treasured cookie, but temptation may come in the form of an illicit relationship. To make matters worse, the Enemy, my preferred name for the devil, uses sexual temptations in marriages particularly when one's mate seems undesirable on a myriad of levels.

Over in Proverbs 7 the writer describes the step by step seduction by a married woman towards an unsuspecting man. As you may know there are any of a number of ways the Enemy likes to snare folks, but the sexual arena is without doubt one of the most potent because it so intimately violates conjugal trust. Although this passage deals with the whole seductive process, for our purposes we want to zero in on one aspect - her words. At first glance we might be inclined to accept the fact that an affair is only ignited by physical attraction. That is not usually the case. The words of the seducer, be they male or female, are used by the Enemy to "heal" an area of woundedness within the one who is about to yield.

According to www.bluletterbible.org the woman spoken of in Proverbs 7 used words that are mean to flatter. Flattering words have little effect on one who is confident in who they are as well as who they are as a Christ follower. Yet, one who is devoid of that sense is open to falling for the lie from the Enemy. If the one being seduced does not resist, the trap will be set. The writer puts it this way, "All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose til an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life" (Verses 22-23, NIV).

Be assured of this : the Enemy knows when and where a person is most vulnerable to the lure of

an affair. Regardless of how temptation manifests itself, once a person is aware that the Enemy is attempting to contaminate his/her marriage, the action plan must be mobilized. Paul tells us that with every temptation there is a way to escape, just like there is a doorway to the room you are in right now. In the natural, resisting the temptation to a person who "understands me so well" may seem l ludicrous. Yet, the heartbreak of breaking covenant with your life partner is not worth the limited pleasure.

How do you respond?