Evil Wimp

In the book Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons differentiates between types of resolution of interpersonal challenges. Non-assertive behavior allows others to walk over one while experiencing unrest at being disrespected. Aggressive behavior is when a person attacks another individual by words as a way of resolving conflicts. Then there is the assertive behavior. Assertive behavior respects the other person, but also respects one's self. When challenges arise the assertive person communicates in a pattern that expresses the concern without disrespecting the other person or one's self.

Successful marriages intertwine excellent conflict management strategies with godly character. Character, as someone has defined , is how one acts when no one is looking. Linking these two entities we showcase an Old Testament king who has a deficiency in his conflict management style and was a person with as well as being devoid of any smidgen of character. The king's name was the nefarious King Ahab.


Ahab was king over Israel. In fact, he set the standard for evil kings because of his obsession to do creatively ungodly behavior. In 1Kings 21 we read that Ahab had a sincere desire to own the vineyard next door to the palace. This vineyard was no doubt brimming with luscious grapes and was a sight to behold. One day Ahab asked Naboth, the owner of the vineyard, to sell him his vineyard at the current market vale. Naboth promptly declined. The reason? The vineyard was an inheritance from his family. In essence, the land was a tangible part of his heritage and consequently Naboth did not want to sell the land. This is where it gets dicey.


Most adults when they lose at something, a business deal, or whatever, experience disappointment , but deal with it in some manner. Granted, some better than others. Not Ahab. He was a class act. It says in verses 4 -5 "So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezereelite had said, 'I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers.' He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat" (NIV, bold added). Let's put this in today's vernacular: Ahab went home and had a hissy fit because Naboth would not sell him the vineyard.

Ladies, how would you feel if your husband came home form a big disappointment and threw himself across the bed, pouting and deciding not to eat a thing because a business deal went sour? You probably would feel something like this, "Give me a break, Charlie. get over it!"

His wife, Jezebel, came in and chided Ahab for pouting about not getting the land. Then she told Ahab that she would get the land for him. Using lies and deception, Jezebel conjured up false charges against Naboth the penalty for which Naboth was promptly executed. Yet, the big thing is this: when Ahab was at his lowest, he allowed his wife to make it all better. Kind of reminds me of a little boy who falls down, skins his knee, and needs his mommy to kiss the "owie" and make it better. Pathetic! Such a scene is touching if it is a young boy, but nauseating for a grown man to act this way, especially a king. Now over 2800 years later some husbands still lack any kind of effective conflict management skill in the home. Effective conflict management does not just demand one's way, but seeks what is the best way to resolve a conflict or disappointment. John Eldredge does such a great job of pointing out that wives need to draw their strength from their husbands, not the other way around.


Men, when you are faced with working through disappointments it is great to share concerns with your life partner, otherwise known as your wife. Nevertheless knowing that we are the leaders of our homes means that we do not have the option to act as whiny, little boys when we have grown men roles to fill.

Final thought: godly men behave differently then men who have no moral base to their being.

Reconciliation and the Effect on Relationships

When you speak of reconciliation there may be a tendency for some folks to have a puzzled look and utter a reasonable retort: what are you talking about? Reconciliation is the act of bridging a gap in a relationship that was formerly adversarial. Reconcile is the Greek word katallasso and literally is what "describes the actions taken to end the struggle and anger between enemies, i.e. 'to reconcile'" (Thoralf Gilbrandt, The Complete Biblical Library: Greek - English Dictionary: Zeta - Kappa, p. 271).


Formerly, those who are Christ followers, were in a state where they were alienated from God. The Bible says, "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). In other words, there was a point where because of our own sin nature and the sins we had committed on our own, we were at odds with the Lord, enemies as it were. But at our lowest point, out of what is termed grace, God sent His Son, Jesus Christ to reach out and provide a way to cover every sin we ever committed. Grace, then, is the incredible act of undeserved kindness Jesus showed us by dying on the cross. Therefore, when we acknowledge what Christ has done, He, then reconciles us to Him. In other words, God transform as our status from enemies of God's to friends since that was the status Adam and Eve had prior to their fall into sin (See Genesis 3;15).


The term "reconcile" is a technical term that Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 which says: "to the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." (NIV) In this passage it is dealing with a married couple who both are Christ followers. Divorce and remarriage is not an option for those who are both walking with the Lord. Here's why.


Just as prior to knowing Christ there is reconciliation for those who were once enemies of Christ, in the same way when a couple's relationship is allowed to be transformed by the Holy Spirit and truly be reconciled to each we are practicing grace in action. God's kindness where it is least deserved. Moving from alienation to the genuine intimate friendship that God intends for marriage is truly the reason why persevering towards reconciliation is so vital for every estranged married couple who names the name as a Christ follower.

Sometimes there are people who sincerely love Jesus who have gone through a divorce. For some, they had no choice in the matter as their former mate was determined to end the marriage without any intervention. Period. For others divorce was seen as "the answer" to perhaps a troubled relationship. Sadly, I wonder if the people who are now divorced sought reconciliation. Some perhaps did. Many I fear did not.

The thing that must be dealt with: God hates divorce Malachi 2:16). While he sacrificially loves His people, divorce tears apart those who have been uniquely bonded together. The couple are not the only ones who are left wounded. Divorce wounds the children and deeply effects extended family members and friends. While it is true that some situations call for a mate to stop sinful behavior before a genuine reconciling (i.e. infidelity), transformation can take place. The hope for every Christ following mate should be praying for the repentant life of a wandering mate and actively seeking the renewed reconciliation that only can be administered by the Holy Spirit with a partnership of openness to change and intimacy.


Final Note: If we believe God can heal our physical bodies, why do we sometimes have difficulty believing that God is incapable of turning married couple around whose lives are heading for disaster?

Unequally Joined

More than a few married couples are unequally joined in their sacred union. In other words, one is a believer, and the other one is not. After all, the Scripture does point out the dissimilarity that light has with darkness. Paul says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" (2 Corinthians 6:14-15, NIV).

If we want to understand how a Christ follower could be united with a person who does not share the same faith, we must introduce another concept you may know already. Evangelistic dating. Evangelistic dating is when a male or female Christ follower is attracted to someone of the opposite sex who is unregenerate. Realizing the relationship would never be approved by one's spiritual mentors, much less the Lord, there is a grave decision to make: abandon any hope of a relationship with this person or be a catalyst for bringing the desired one into a relationship with Christ. On some occasions evangelistic dating actually works, resulting in a great marriage. The outcome is a couple who have unanimity of purpose in relation to their common faith in Christ. Regrettably this type of experience is rare.

A couple may may end up being unequally yoked in marriage by one of several ways: one mate became a believer after the marriage of two unregenerate people; or one mate turned away from the Lord and disavowed his previous declared faith. Perhaps there is a another way. Some may have even been disingenuous by posing as a Christ follower. The conclusion is the same as what happened in the parable of the sower where the seed fell on rocky soil. For a time, the couple seemed to be united on a foundation level, but since the grounding was shallow the walk in Jesus never developed and eventually abandoned. (See Matthew 13:18-23).

There is something else to consider. If the one mate who is either not a believer has become spiritually distracted in his walk with Christ desires to stay with the believing mate, then the active Christ follower needs to stand for the marriage. The reason is very simple: the unbelieving spouse as well as the children are set apart unto God (1 Cor 7:12-14). "That did not mean that each member of the family automatically has a personal relationship or salvation experience with Jesus Christ....But it did mean that a holy influence was brought to bear on the members of the family, and they enjoyed some of the blessings of a Christian presence" (Ralph Harris (ed.), The New Testament Study Bible: Romans - Corinthians, p. 355).

Regardless of why an unequally married couple are not both believers is not the time for the believing partner to give up. Rather, it is believing God to lead the lost mate into genuine repentance and faith in Christ. When that happens God is free to work. I know, for instance, of one wife who stood over thirty years waiting for her husband to come to Jesus. When he did, God got a hold of his heart and transformed their relationship.

The choice is yours!