Abandon and Stick Like Glue

There are an astounding number of married couples who do not seem to grasp the fact that once you are married significant changes occur. Some seem to feel their allegiance to the parents who raised them trumps the wishes of their spouse. Yet, Matthew 19:4-6 points out that at marriage a shift has occurred. It says, '"Haven't you read,' he [Jesus] replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate"' (NIV, bold added). Let's take a look at the two terms Jesus used.

The first word in Greek is kataleppsei.  " Leave" is better translated abandon. In other words, once a husband marries, he is to abandon the influence the parents who raised him and shift it for his wife. The term implies that in respect to the covenant of marriage the former child- parent relationship is altered.  In actuality that does not mean that the married couple is to have a lousy relationship with the husband's parents. Nevertheless, the union makes the former relationship changed forever. The new allegiance is to one's wife.

The other terms has the opposite meaning. Those words are translated with the one word in Greek which is proskollamai.  Proskollamai may be translated  "be united", but a better translation is stick like glue. In other words, these words reveal the marvelous transformation that takes place once a couple is married. After all, once married, the wife needs to look to her husband for strength, not her own parents.  Thus, a couple changes loyalty for all issues pertaining to their lives from parents to each other.

To bring it on home, one way of observing whether or not this transformation has taken place is to listen to the husband or wife as to when they go to visit their parents. If either say they are "going home", that may indicate they have not yet processed this metamorphosis God desires. The husband is to abandon his parents' control over his life, and his wife must look to her husband and not to her mom or dad as the most influential human on the face of the earth.

What do you think?

The Spouse Character Assassination Game

Have you ever been at a social gathering where the Spouse Character Assassination Game (or SCAG for short) is played? It is without a doubt one of the most vicious, nasty ways of relating to one's spouse that was ever conceived. You may be at a loss to know what is described here. However, once you understand how this vindictive, passive- aggressive game is played, you will be able to spot it as soon as it rears its angry head.

It should be noted that there are two types of SCAG: sarcastic humor and malicious attack. To play either variety of this game you need a married couple who have been married a few years, and have ably mastered the art of a dysfunctional marriage. Next, you need an audience to play. A family get together, a social event, sometimes even a Bible study at church or any other setting where a number of people will be in attendance. Now to play the game effectively, one of the mates is the aggressor who will make the uncalled for jokes. The other mate is the victim. On rare occasions where SCAG is performed both mates are both adept at dishing out zingers.

Here are some of the basic ground rules. When a good number of people are within earshot, the salvos begin. (You don't want to waste all that "good humor" without an audience.) The purpose is to create n impression that the comments made are in "jest". Further, to add to the "light-heartedness" it helps if the aggressor has a smirk, smile or lightly laughing so everyone know it should not be taken too seriously. [Note: it is probably advisable to avoid belly laughs as they may take away from the humor of the moment.] For example, a wife who is skilled in playing SCAG might say of her husband, "George, asked me the other day if he could help me with something around the house. It took awhile to answer him because the shock caused me to faint." Or a husband might recall, "The other night some firemen knocked on my door inquiring about the location of the fire. I told them sheepishly that my wife was trying out a new recipe." You get the idea.

There is a more sinister version of this game. It is played when a person has a genuine complaint with his spouse. Yet, to get extra mileage on the legitmacy of the concern, the aggressor loudly berates his/her spouse for their stupidity while the audience watches this embarrassing debacle.
Humor is not even broached. Rather, this is a public declaration and vindication for all to witness that the spouse in question is truly incompetent.

The thing that troubles me is this. Regardless of who has played the Spouse Character Assassination game whether to "playfully" present one's mate as a buffoon or to directly and maliciously attack a mate's personhood, there is a huge problem when one tries to justify either one. Paul's admonition regarding love diametrically opposes this type of childish and polarizing behavior. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1Cor. 13:4-7, NIV).

The Law of the Flip Side

Think back to the time when you and your spouse were dating. If you think real hard, there was something that really set your husband or wife apart from everyone else on the planet. Take Tom and Mary. The thing that attracted Tom to Mary was her bubbly personality. It did not matter the situation, Mary was able to see God's hand in her life, and consequently, did not get depressed very often. For Tom it was quite a different story. Tom was perceived as the strong, silent type. He did not say too much while they were going together, but in Mary's mind that added to his mystique.

Now a few year have passed and those endearing qualities are starting to drive both Tom and Mary up the wall. There is a simple reason. Each positive trait a person has, also has a negative aspect. Tom appreciates Mary's bubbly personality, but wishes she would listen to him better. Tom, still the man of few words, tends to unknowingly frustrate Mary because when troubled, he works things out in his head - silently.

Now look in Genesis 12. God had just made a covenant with Abram. Then some time later Abram was in the midst of a famine. So, Abram being a responsible husband took his wife and household to Egypt. While he had a compliant nature in obeying the voice of God, the other side of a compliant nature is one who lacked assertiveness when needed. In fact, Abram's  fear put his own wife, Sarai, at risk since he was afraid and told his wife to tell everyone she was his sister. Eventually, the half-truth was found out, but it illustrates how as godly a man as Abram was, there were weaknesses linked to his strengths.

Some people go into marriage with the skewed idea of changing their spouse. A better idea is seek to fully understand your mate. Realizing the positive aspects definitely have a flip side saves a lot of grief. Understanding your mate goes a long way to paving the road to a happy marriage.