Evil Wimp

In the book Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons differentiates between types of resolution of interpersonal challenges. Non-assertive behavior allows others to walk over one while experiencing unrest at being disrespected. Aggressive behavior is when a person attacks another individual by words as a way of resolving conflicts. Then there is the assertive behavior. Assertive behavior respects the other person, but also respects one's self. When challenges arise the assertive person communicates in a pattern that expresses the concern without disrespecting the other person or one's self.

Successful marriages intertwine excellent conflict management strategies with godly character. Character, as someone has defined , is how one acts when no one is looking. Linking these two entities we showcase an Old Testament king who has a deficiency in his conflict management style and was a person with as well as being devoid of any smidgen of character. The king's name was the nefarious King Ahab.


Ahab was king over Israel. In fact, he set the standard for evil kings because of his obsession to do creatively ungodly behavior. In 1Kings 21 we read that Ahab had a sincere desire to own the vineyard next door to the palace. This vineyard was no doubt brimming with luscious grapes and was a sight to behold. One day Ahab asked Naboth, the owner of the vineyard, to sell him his vineyard at the current market vale. Naboth promptly declined. The reason? The vineyard was an inheritance from his family. In essence, the land was a tangible part of his heritage and consequently Naboth did not want to sell the land. This is where it gets dicey.


Most adults when they lose at something, a business deal, or whatever, experience disappointment , but deal with it in some manner. Granted, some better than others. Not Ahab. He was a class act. It says in verses 4 -5 "So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezereelite had said, 'I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers.' He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat" (NIV, bold added). Let's put this in today's vernacular: Ahab went home and had a hissy fit because Naboth would not sell him the vineyard.

Ladies, how would you feel if your husband came home form a big disappointment and threw himself across the bed, pouting and deciding not to eat a thing because a business deal went sour? You probably would feel something like this, "Give me a break, Charlie. get over it!"

His wife, Jezebel, came in and chided Ahab for pouting about not getting the land. Then she told Ahab that she would get the land for him. Using lies and deception, Jezebel conjured up false charges against Naboth the penalty for which Naboth was promptly executed. Yet, the big thing is this: when Ahab was at his lowest, he allowed his wife to make it all better. Kind of reminds me of a little boy who falls down, skins his knee, and needs his mommy to kiss the "owie" and make it better. Pathetic! Such a scene is touching if it is a young boy, but nauseating for a grown man to act this way, especially a king. Now over 2800 years later some husbands still lack any kind of effective conflict management skill in the home. Effective conflict management does not just demand one's way, but seeks what is the best way to resolve a conflict or disappointment. John Eldredge does such a great job of pointing out that wives need to draw their strength from their husbands, not the other way around.


Men, when you are faced with working through disappointments it is great to share concerns with your life partner, otherwise known as your wife. Nevertheless knowing that we are the leaders of our homes means that we do not have the option to act as whiny, little boys when we have grown men roles to fill.

Final thought: godly men behave differently then men who have no moral base to their being.

Reconciliation and the Effect on Relationships

When you speak of reconciliation there may be a tendency for some folks to have a puzzled look and utter a reasonable retort: what are you talking about? Reconciliation is the act of bridging a gap in a relationship that was formerly adversarial. Reconcile is the Greek word katallasso and literally is what "describes the actions taken to end the struggle and anger between enemies, i.e. 'to reconcile'" (Thoralf Gilbrandt, The Complete Biblical Library: Greek - English Dictionary: Zeta - Kappa, p. 271).


Formerly, those who are Christ followers, were in a state where they were alienated from God. The Bible says, "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). In other words, there was a point where because of our own sin nature and the sins we had committed on our own, we were at odds with the Lord, enemies as it were. But at our lowest point, out of what is termed grace, God sent His Son, Jesus Christ to reach out and provide a way to cover every sin we ever committed. Grace, then, is the incredible act of undeserved kindness Jesus showed us by dying on the cross. Therefore, when we acknowledge what Christ has done, He, then reconciles us to Him. In other words, God transform as our status from enemies of God's to friends since that was the status Adam and Eve had prior to their fall into sin (See Genesis 3;15).


The term "reconcile" is a technical term that Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 which says: "to the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." (NIV) In this passage it is dealing with a married couple who both are Christ followers. Divorce and remarriage is not an option for those who are both walking with the Lord. Here's why.


Just as prior to knowing Christ there is reconciliation for those who were once enemies of Christ, in the same way when a couple's relationship is allowed to be transformed by the Holy Spirit and truly be reconciled to each we are practicing grace in action. God's kindness where it is least deserved. Moving from alienation to the genuine intimate friendship that God intends for marriage is truly the reason why persevering towards reconciliation is so vital for every estranged married couple who names the name as a Christ follower.

Sometimes there are people who sincerely love Jesus who have gone through a divorce. For some, they had no choice in the matter as their former mate was determined to end the marriage without any intervention. Period. For others divorce was seen as "the answer" to perhaps a troubled relationship. Sadly, I wonder if the people who are now divorced sought reconciliation. Some perhaps did. Many I fear did not.

The thing that must be dealt with: God hates divorce Malachi 2:16). While he sacrificially loves His people, divorce tears apart those who have been uniquely bonded together. The couple are not the only ones who are left wounded. Divorce wounds the children and deeply effects extended family members and friends. While it is true that some situations call for a mate to stop sinful behavior before a genuine reconciling (i.e. infidelity), transformation can take place. The hope for every Christ following mate should be praying for the repentant life of a wandering mate and actively seeking the renewed reconciliation that only can be administered by the Holy Spirit with a partnership of openness to change and intimacy.


Final Note: If we believe God can heal our physical bodies, why do we sometimes have difficulty believing that God is incapable of turning married couple around whose lives are heading for disaster?

Unequally Joined

More than a few married couples are unequally joined in their sacred union. In other words, one is a believer, and the other one is not. After all, the Scripture does point out the dissimilarity that light has with darkness. Paul says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?" (2 Corinthians 6:14-15, NIV).

If we want to understand how a Christ follower could be united with a person who does not share the same faith, we must introduce another concept you may know already. Evangelistic dating. Evangelistic dating is when a male or female Christ follower is attracted to someone of the opposite sex who is unregenerate. Realizing the relationship would never be approved by one's spiritual mentors, much less the Lord, there is a grave decision to make: abandon any hope of a relationship with this person or be a catalyst for bringing the desired one into a relationship with Christ. On some occasions evangelistic dating actually works, resulting in a great marriage. The outcome is a couple who have unanimity of purpose in relation to their common faith in Christ. Regrettably this type of experience is rare.

A couple may may end up being unequally yoked in marriage by one of several ways: one mate became a believer after the marriage of two unregenerate people; or one mate turned away from the Lord and disavowed his previous declared faith. Perhaps there is a another way. Some may have even been disingenuous by posing as a Christ follower. The conclusion is the same as what happened in the parable of the sower where the seed fell on rocky soil. For a time, the couple seemed to be united on a foundation level, but since the grounding was shallow the walk in Jesus never developed and eventually abandoned. (See Matthew 13:18-23).

There is something else to consider. If the one mate who is either not a believer has become spiritually distracted in his walk with Christ desires to stay with the believing mate, then the active Christ follower needs to stand for the marriage. The reason is very simple: the unbelieving spouse as well as the children are set apart unto God (1 Cor 7:12-14). "That did not mean that each member of the family automatically has a personal relationship or salvation experience with Jesus Christ....But it did mean that a holy influence was brought to bear on the members of the family, and they enjoyed some of the blessings of a Christian presence" (Ralph Harris (ed.), The New Testament Study Bible: Romans - Corinthians, p. 355).

Regardless of why an unequally married couple are not both believers is not the time for the believing partner to give up. Rather, it is believing God to lead the lost mate into genuine repentance and faith in Christ. When that happens God is free to work. I know, for instance, of one wife who stood over thirty years waiting for her husband to come to Jesus. When he did, God got a hold of his heart and transformed their relationship.

The choice is yours!

What Are You Trying to Say?

Communication is a very complex process, so complex that it is any wonder we are able to convey what is on our hearts at all. Yet, if a married couple ignores the intricacy of this domain, they are surely destined for a rocky relationship. As such there are three different segments of communicating: verbal, non-verbal and sub-verbal. When used effectively they all work to achieving effective communication.

Verbal communication is the most obvious component of the three entities. Part of the reason for this is the fact that words are a part of our daily life.  Then again words used in one culture as being seemingly innocent may reflect a most unsavory meaning in another culture. Then too,  sometimes the sheer selection of words may be rather poor, or show a disordinant amount of intensity. Words are difficult to choose just depending on their meaning and trying to convey one's viewpoint without needlessly offending the other person is a challenge.

Then there is non-verbal communication  which is has been lauded as the the most honest form of communication, but the most difficult to interpret. A person may exhibit the body language of closed posture which may mean that he/she is "closed" to revealing any additional information because of being upset. Or it could mean they are freezing. While we all communicate with our bodies and how they are positioned, we may not know the message we may inadvertently be sending. Non-verbal communication may be  a precarious thing when both men and women are engaged in the same discussion. For example, if a clueless male is sending non-verbal signals signal which are being interpreted by a female in close proximity as flirtatious, then that male in question needs to have someone to immediately administer  a dose of awareness before this goes any further. I have found it most effective that when I am most uncomfortable with what I perceive an inappropriate message coming from a female I have two choices. First, I can go screaming, running out the room as fast as I can go. (Probably not the best choice.) Or I have the opportunity to do a reality check  with my wife, Audrey. Wives, help your husbands out so that they do not get in a no-win situation.

you may partner with them when communication gets tricky.

Sub-verbal communication is the third type. This is a bit of a challenge to adequately convey in written form, because there are some non-verbal sounds that quite frankly I am not  sure how to spell. How do you spell clearing your throat? Or clicking your tongue in disgust? What about a breath of air expelled over relief of something? These and a myriad of other sub-verbal vocalizations communicate and influence the message we are sending and what we are feeling. That is why sub-verbal communication can endear someone to you or cause them to want to fight.  For instance, "Have a good day!" when said with a cheerful, positive attitude will probably be received very well. On the other hand, "Have a good day!" said with biting sarcasm will offend the intended receiver, even  though the words are innocent

One more thought; when communicating with your mate, remember a Greek word, oikodome edify. What you convey, even if you are confronting your mate, should have at its core building the other person up. It is not rocket science. Paul says, "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification" (Romans 14;19, N.I.V.).

A Father's Legacy

When you think of your father, what sort of image does the term conjure up in your mind. Fear? Dread? Unrealistic expectations? Patience? Love? Understanding?My father passed away over nineteen years ago. Yet, he left with me a powerful lesson in dealing with people who have wronged you. Dad was not perfect, but he applied his faith in the Lord that carried over to practical real-life situations like dealing with those who grievously sinned against him.

On the occasion of his sixty-fifth birthday, my sisters and I all wrote letters as a way to honor this special man for the impact he made on our lives. We all approached this in our own unique way. Each communicated a sense of gratitude for who he was. My letter reveals a small essence of what effect a loving father can have on his children. I would like to share an excerpt from the letter I wrote honoring my dad:

"A graphic illustration of the life you gave me in love occurred in the spring of 1969. Remember, it was the Father and Son Breakfast. We met a man who had hurt you terribly. Humanely speaking, I wanted to haul off and belt the guy. However, you taught me a lot by your response. You conveyed a loving, patient, and genuine concern for his well-being. That man was extremely ill at ease because of your love. My attitudes about loving the less lovable were stretched that morning. Now as the father of Krista & Ryan [ since then we have added Jason and Kara] I know something of the awesomeness it means to bring up one's children in the "training and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4, NIV). Thanks Dad, for giving us this kind of practical Christian parenting." (Any errors in the letter remained as the actual letter was written.)

The sense of spiritual impact is not a new concept by any means. This was one of the things that marked the life of Job. He understood the concept of being a priest of his home which meant he was the spiritual leader and was the initiator of making sure that his household was in right standing with God. We read, "So it was, when the days of feasting had run their course, that Job would send and sanctify them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, 'It may be that my sons have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.' Thus Job did regularly" (Job 1:5, NKJV). Even when Job was under the gun, losing his possessions, all of his children and most of his servants being killed, and his life partner wanted Job to give up on God and die. Reeling from such excruciating litany of tragedies, Job had the strength of character and commitment to the Lord to rebuke his grieving wife's counsel and remain faithful to God. Phenomenal!

We do not know all that transpired, but there are a few things we do know. God blessed Job with more children. You can never replace any child, but Job and his wife had the opportunity to experience the blessing of parenting once again. Each child is a priceless representation of the creative love of God in human form. But the implication is this that Job's solidarity of character aided his grieving wife, so that eventually she was able to process her grief, move forward and experience the joys of being a wife and mother again. (See Job 42;10-17.)

Final thought: if more men were as invested about being spiritual leaders in their homes and marriages as they are in their jobs or watching NFL game of the week, what effect would that have on their wives?

First Impression

On January 6, 1978 I was introduced to a very cute gal. A mutual friend of ours had encouraged this young lady to audit one of my seminary classes - Theories of Personality. From the onset, I realized there was something very special about her. As time progressed, it was my pleasant discovery that conversing with this female came natural. Added to that was the revelation this gal conveyed the elements of a solid Christian character. That is why on the last day of class, as this young lady was walking away and almost out of my life forever, I decided to ask her out on a date. (It should be noted my laid back nature almost ruined everything.)

As time would have it, the lady eventually became my beloved wife, Audrey. This past June 9th we celebrated 30 years wed accented with four wonderful children and one terrific granddaughter, so far, to show for our bliss. Needless to say, I reflect back on those days of meeting Audrey as a special and life changing event.

One of the things I often encourage married couples who come for counseling to do is to reflect upon the time when they were first going together. Unless a couple is masochistic and want to be utterly miserable, that usually evokes splendid memories for them. Thinking of the anticipation of being with this exceptional person, finding it challenging to concentrate on anything else, and a myriad of other superficial concerns occupy those venturing into this arena. Great memories!

Sadly, though, a number of couples lose what some might call "the spark" somewhere after saying "I do". What happens is a drifting away from each other. Frankly this is reflected when a number of couples refer to this or that person as their best friend other than one's mate. A shift has occurred allowing other relationships to curtail what should be the best human friendship. That is why I would be remiss to not declare my best friend on the face of this earth is Audrey. Hands down. I enjoy doing things with her even watching an occasional "chic flic" movie. (Not all the time, though.) This reminds me of a couple in the Scriptures, Isaac and Rebekah, who initially were very much in love. (See Genesis 24:62-67). Over a period of time, however, things changed.

Through the years Isaac and Rebekah allowed something tragic to happen to them. They began to favor one son over another. (See the blog, "Parenting: A Level Playing Field", July 17th.) Anytime parental bias is evident, the reason often stems from a couple developing issues in how they relate to each other.

My hope is for everyone I encounter to be married to as wonderful a person as Audrey is.

But for now, thinking back to the time when you met your mate, and the days following when you were going together. If your marriage indicates things are rather bumpy and you and your spouse are no longer close, it may be time for getting some help.

Final thought: the only time it is too late for counseling is when a person is no longer breathing.

Covered Hearts

A biblical passage many pastors seem to avoid is truly a troubling one. Part of the reason for avoidance is the fact that what Jesus is teaching is hard to swallow. Granted many of our Lord's statements could cause his opponents eyes to roll. The passage I speak of is found over in Matthew 19:8 - 9: "Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery'"(NIV, bolding added).

In the Old Testament women essentially had no rights. As a result there was concern that if a woman was in a marriage where she was not wanted, there was the possibility of harm that would come to her. Divorce, then, in certain instances was allowed. Although there were numerous cases of polygamous relationships in the Old Testament, that was a far cry from what God had intended marriage to be: a life covenant between a man and a woman.

By the time Jesus is quoted by Matthew, the Pharisees were questioning the inception of the divorce laws. It is at this juncture that Jesus gives us the so-called "loop hole": if a spouse has committed adultery, the innocent party may remarry. However, the reason for this option was the phrase - "hardness of heart". What is that?

The term "hardness of heart" is the Greek word sklerokardia which translated "the foreskin of he heart" referring to the phrase in Jer. 4:4. We see in the Scriptures the use of "hardness of heart" to refer to giving over to an attitude that was inclined to oppose God, such as the Pharaoh in Egypt in Ex 4. Later on the application was used in relation to the marriage covenant. It is this later meaning we are addressing.

Consequently, in order for a person(s) to contemplate divorce, there is a good chance of circumstances that have occurred that have devalued the relationship in the eyes of the couple.

One of the most selfish things a mate may do to his/her spouse is to be unfaithful. Having counseled many couples through the years who have suffered through the agony of adultery is far from the magic Hollywood portrays sordid lifestyles to be. The needless fall-out also deeply effects children and extended family members.

Nevertheless, when the mate who was sinned against allows God's healing to do the work of uncovering their heart, God's grace is truly actualized. No where in Scripture have I ever come across any passage that mandates a couple who have experienced adultery must divorce. If you doubt that, you may want to review Hosea who married Gomer, a hooker who plied her trade as a prostitute after they were married. Yet, God wanted Hosea to experience what exactly it was like to have your covenant partner be unfaithful as His people were. And Hosea's redemptive love for Gomer is analogous to God's love for His own people.

The dilemma is tough. One of the most heart wrenching things is to hear accounts of people who have had their mates commit adultery. The incredible thing, however, is seeing people who God has turned around as evidenced by their change in mind, heart and action. (That is what we used to call repentance.) If we trust God to lead our lives, to heal us when we are ill, and be the One to go to when our world is crumbling, is there anything askew with trusting Him to turn an errant mate around?

Meeting Needs - Part 2

Continuing the overview of Dr Gary Chapman's The Five Love languages, there are two additional love languages. By identifying the two remaining entities will provide us with a complete understanding of the author's approach of filling your spouse's love tank. We should keep in mind that the information that is being shared is directed for married couples only. 

Acts of service - This is defined by Chapman as "doing things you know your spouse would like you to do". The act itself, is not of primary importance, serving your mate is. The giver understands his spouse feels love by performing such mundane tasks as washing the car, changing the baby, cleaning the bathroom to name a few acts of service that a person would find value when it is accomplished.

A word of caution is needed. Just because a person does acts of service does not necessarily constitute filling a love language. The reason? Love language, particularly, acts of service must not be performed out of fear, guilt or resentment. Such motivation will not fill one's love tank, perhaps it may even cause irritation. Further, Chapman bring out that one who identifies this love language will be less likely to fall into preconceived stereotypes that are defined by gender, not by individual needs. Thus, a spouse who is able to serve his or her mate with acts of service is probably more free to cross traditional roles that are defined by gender. (Some men are great cooks, and some women enjoy fixing things around the house.)

Physical touch - The final love language to be considered is physical touch. This arena encompasses everything from holding hands, hugs, a simple pat, as well as sexual intercourse. Again it should be pointed out that complete expression of this love language is limited to marriage. The mere act of implementing physical touch does not necessarily mean that is an expression of love. Chapman points out, "Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love".

With the discussion of the love languages the next part is then identifying the primary love language. Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service physical touch are the love languages. Identifying the love language of one's spouse may be deduced from two key questions: what causes your spouse to feel most loved? What do you more often than not request from your mate? A couple who can honestly answer these questions and commit to satisfying the needs of their spouse, life partner and best friend will have made a huge leap to having a fulfilled life. The bottom line, then, why the love language of your mate is so important for couples to master is quite simple. Galatians 5:13 declares "through love serve one another" (NASV). Mutual serving is what makes a good marriage possible.

What are your thoughts?

Meeting Needs

Considering the impact the book The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman has had on marriages makes it noteworthy. According to Chapman each person has a love language, sometimes more than one that is predominant. So, if his/her spouse wants to express love in a meaningful way, that mate would be wise to target the key love language of his mate. The reverse is also true. If a mate avoids filling the "love tank" of his mate, then the mate will probably not feel loved. Before going further an essential question must be answered: what are the five love languages?

Words of affirmation - This love language is particularly important to some people. This love language communicates value and importance to the other person. Chapman points out that there are several components to words of affirmation. First, encouraging words. Praise your mate for doing the little things. Next, use kind words. Husbands, if they are the driven type, may lack sensitivity in this regard. Love is communicated not only by the words we select, but by the tone of voice we use. Chapman says, "If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other's desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants." Simple, but tough to do. Then there are humble words. When you ask something of your mate, make it a request, not a demand. "Honey, would you have time to take the garbage out before you leave for work." That is affirming. "What a shock! You forgot the garbage again. Unbelievable." Sarcasm may make us laugh when on TV, but it incites anger in the spouse who is the butt of it.

Quality time - When you give your undivided attention to your mate without the interruption of TV, children or any outside interference, that is quality time. By "undivided attention", the concept is not that difficult, but requires some strategy. One thing is good eye contact. That does not mean you are having a staring contest, but you are attempting to get in touch with your mate on a non-verbal way as well as verbal. Quality time is jeopardized if you say to wife, for example, you want some alone time, then pick up the newspaper to read. Listen to feelings that your mate shares. Observe changes in his/her body language. Chapman ends with this priceless piece: "Refuse to interrupt". Some spouses must feel their mate disappears momentarily the way so many thoughtlessly interrupt them in mid sentence. Listening is an art. (We will get into that at a later time.) For now, allow your mate to share what they need to share without trying to get your two cents in. Some great activities for the one whose love language is quality time are things like taking your mate to an activity your spouse really enjoys (i.e. a concert), take some time each day to share about events of the day or turn the TV off, pop some popcorn and find a cozy, alone place where the two of you can talk.

Receiving gifts - Just about everyone like to receive gifts. In order to give a gift, says Chapman, there is a thought motivating the action. The intrinsic value of the gift is of little importance. What is of importance is the reality you are thinking of your spouse. Also, a gift is a tangible expression of love that may be a reminder to the recipient at a later time. In every marriage there are spenders and savers. For the spenders, giving gifts to one's spouse is not hard. But think again for the savers. In some cases it may be like pulling teeth. Relax. Receiving gifts is not meant to put or bury a couple in debt, but as a way of materially communicating love to one you dearly value. One of the greatest gifts a person may give is the gift of one's presence.

Most of the languages of love may be depicted in Song of Solomon. Yet, it is "the little foxes that ruin the vineyards" of healthy marriages (Song. 2:15, NIV) Caring for the basic love needs of your mate is not complicated, but it does require consistency and dedication to make sure that your spouse feels love. Next week's blog we will conclude will examine the remaining love languages: acts of service and physical touch.

The Galling Act of Forgiveness

Lewis Smedes wrote Forgive or Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve. In this classic work Smedes walks the reader through the journey of forgiveness. Even in the best of marriages, forgiveness must be a bedrock principle. But what exactly is forgiveness?

According to Smedes, forgiveness has four components. First, when our mate wrongs us we enter into a crisis stage. Here we may experience shock as well as hurt at the audacity that our wife has hurt us so grievously. Then, comes the hate phase. This is when we develop strategy for righteous indignation. Most definitely we are dealing with the sense of being violated by our husband, retaliation plans are imminent. Next, we begin to see our mate in different light. The memory of pain is being healed. Finally, is the stage of reconciliation where we invite our mates back into our lives. For some, that may not be so much an invitation that encompasses physical distance, but rather a distance of two hearts moving together.

Smedes says , "Forgiving is love's revolution against life's unfairness. When we forgive, we ignore the normal laws that strap us to the natural law of getting even and, by the alchemy of love, from our own sinful pasts." Forgiveness breaks the downward spiral of retaliation, and puts to rest the junk from our past.

The Apostle Paul put it this way,"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Eph. 4:31-5:2, NIV).

Respectful Fighting

Charlie Shedd wrote a book entitled Letters to Karen. In that work he wrote a chapter entitled "How to Fight Fairly". What Shedd seemed to be talking about is how to effectively communicate your concerns with your mate when you are at odds. There are two key concepts from his pithy gems that are worth paraphrasing. Putting these principles into practice may deter many sleepless nights and a myriad of hurt feelings.


Lower the volume of your voice - Have you ever noticed that when you are trying to get your point across to your life mate and he/she is not getting it, there is an assumption. The assumption is that your mate suddenly has lost their ability to hear. They must be going deaf. "No problem" you think to yourself. "I'll just say it a little louder". It does not take a person with a great deal of discernment to grasp this errant view. The issue is compounded when two people have the "more is better" philosophy regarding volume. Before you know it yelling has commenced which leads some to the next point. Instead, by lowering your volume, , when communicating something you feel strongly about, you are reigning in rogue feelings. Fewer decibels do a very peculiar thing - they force a person to communicate precisely the issue at hand.


Make sure your ammunition is not lethal - Very often when married couples believe the way to deal with frustrations is to yell and scream, then it is just a matter of time when unsavory comments are made. You know what is being referred to here. Brutal comments about one's physical attributes, one's ethnicity, family line and anything and everything else that can be used as leverage against one's mate. Sadly, this vicious altercation may seem "normal" in some sectors, but it is dysfunctional and will devastate a relationship over a long period of time after the last thoughtless word is shared.


When a couple decide to park insulting words at the door, and thereby attack the issue, better results are realized. Clearly for the Type A personality, this approach will initially seem like a waste of time. Yet, the living room couch gets pretty uncomfortable to sleep on, particularly for more than one night.


One of the most tragic things is when I hear accounts of people who have employed techniques that reveal they have little respect for their mates as when the attack mode is in gear. (See also the blog from a few weeks back on "The Spouse Assassination Game.) Paul declares in Eph 5:33, "Each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (NIV). The passage shows the husband to be the initiator of agape love who communicates caring for his wife's welfare, even when he simply does not feel like it. When a wife is treated in an unconditional loving manner, the results to offer respect to her husband will be greatly aided.

Final thought: thoughtless attacks on one's mate lead to hurt and bitter feelings, and often the
issue(s) are left unresolved. The patient loving communication of frustrations which has as its goal mutual respect and positive resolution is a win -win for all concern.


What do you think?

Parenting: A Level Playing Field

In the book The Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar one of his rules sticks out like a strobe light. Templar suggests that parents should never compare one child with another. The results are disastrous. What happens from this lopsided parenting leads children to assume that one is inferior to another sibling. One of the worst things a parent may say to their child is, "Why can't you be more like your brother (or sister)". Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, ineffective parenting has been around for ages. One of the earliest examples was offered by none other than Isaac and Rebekah. Now here is the kicker: Isaac was a godly man, but was clueless insofar as child rearing was concerned. Genesis 27 points out that their two sons, Esau and Jacob, were very different. Esau liked the hunting, outdoors and would probably have loved sports like kick boxing. Jacob, by contrast, had a quite nature, and tended to stick around the house. Jacob seemed more at home trying out a new recipe or viewing one of the latest cooking show. Verse 28 says it all, "Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob" (NIV). The boys grew up with a mutual dislike for each other. Years later as adults Esau and Jacob finally reconciled. (See Genesis 33.) Here's some things to do.

Celebrate each child's uniqueness. One of the things we have tried to do in our own home is to drill into our kids how God had uniquely gifted them. A way that helped seal the distinctiveness into the fiber of their being was by their names. Each of our children has a name with meaning. (If you are an expectant parent, you may want to avoid some names like Lo Ruhamah which in Hebrew means "not loved".)

On those rare occasions, OK, sometimes frequent episodes, when your child(ren) drive you up a wall, be careful what you say. Saying something stupid in the heat of a moment can start a firestorm of hurt that may take years to put out.

The real clincher in parenting that makes or breaks it is to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Our children need to see parents united. Also, when couples agree on parenting it tends to endear each partner to the other. When a child is giving one mate a hard time, stepping in and watching your mate's back is invaluable for parenting and marital security.

What do you think?

Dealing with Anger

From time to time anger is one of those emotions that causes us all some grief. The manner in which we communicate our frustrations in marriage will endear or repel our mates from us. The question we have to deal with is this: how do we relate to this challenging emotion?

Before addressing this question the Scriptures has some guidance for us. Paul instructs us, '"In your anger do not sin". Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Eph. 4:26-27, NIV). There are three things that may be deduced from this passage.

For one thing, anger in and of itself is not wrong. Throughout the course of the day there are a myriad of things which may cause us to feel anger. Of course, anger has varying levels of intensity. Dean Williams described these as "word weights". You may speak of being irritated, hurt, annoyed, upset, frustrated, enraged or ready to spit nails, but the common denominator is anger.  Yes, there is a world of difference between a person who is hurt and one who is enraged, - the difference being intensity.

Next, there is a call for resolution. Did your wife's third reminder to mow the lawn time because  cause you to feel a bit irritated? Or do you feel hurt when your husband's only words to you in the evening is, 'where's the remote"?  If so, then God has commissioned His people to deal with their frustrations. (Here's a hint: if we do not deal with the things which irritate us, then they can accumulate for a major problem at later date.)

Finally, the goal for dealing with anger is to resolve it before our heads hit our pillows. If we are all honest, there have been more than a few times when we have nursed grudges we have had. When anger resolution is delayed, the Enemy gets the victory, and we are distanced from our life partner.

Being angry is not sinful, but the misappropriation of this tricky emotion is. At no time is our anger justified merely so that we can "vent" on our unsuspecting, and often times, innocent mate.

It's your choice!

What do you think?

Termptation: Falling for a Lie

As a child you may recall a time when you were expressly forbidden to sample those tantalizing homemade chocolate chip cookies your mom had just baked. So, you developed a plan. A plan, not intending to disobey, but to appease your desire. Appease? Yes, your voracious appetite for just one chocolate chip cookie consumed you. After all, if you tasted just one cookie, your mom would never know. The plan was seamless in design as you moved with stealth into the kitchen. The only problem was execution of the misdeed- the cookie jar, unbeknownst to you, was close to the edge of the table. Crash! You are busted and the rest is history.

Temptation is the human plight for everyone since our forerunners, Adam and Eve, succumbed to a a seemingly innocent piece of fruit that was off limits. Yet, by the time a couple is married no longer is the target a treasured cookie, but temptation may come in the form of an illicit relationship. To make matters worse, the Enemy, my preferred name for the devil, uses sexual temptations in marriages particularly when one's mate seems undesirable on a myriad of levels.

Over in Proverbs 7 the writer describes the step by step seduction by a married woman towards an unsuspecting man. As you may know there are any of a number of ways the Enemy likes to snare folks, but the sexual arena is without doubt one of the most potent because it so intimately violates conjugal trust. Although this passage deals with the whole seductive process, for our purposes we want to zero in on one aspect - her words. At first glance we might be inclined to accept the fact that an affair is only ignited by physical attraction. That is not usually the case. The words of the seducer, be they male or female, are used by the Enemy to "heal" an area of woundedness within the one who is about to yield.

According to www.bluletterbible.org the woman spoken of in Proverbs 7 used words that are mean to flatter. Flattering words have little effect on one who is confident in who they are as well as who they are as a Christ follower. Yet, one who is devoid of that sense is open to falling for the lie from the Enemy. If the one being seduced does not resist, the trap will be set. The writer puts it this way, "All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose til an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life" (Verses 22-23, NIV).

Be assured of this : the Enemy knows when and where a person is most vulnerable to the lure of

an affair. Regardless of how temptation manifests itself, once a person is aware that the Enemy is attempting to contaminate his/her marriage, the action plan must be mobilized. Paul tells us that with every temptation there is a way to escape, just like there is a doorway to the room you are in right now. In the natural, resisting the temptation to a person who "understands me so well" may seem l ludicrous. Yet, the heartbreak of breaking covenant with your life partner is not worth the limited pleasure.

How do you respond?

Abandon and Stick Like Glue

There are an astounding number of married couples who do not seem to grasp the fact that once you are married significant changes occur. Some seem to feel their allegiance to the parents who raised them trumps the wishes of their spouse. Yet, Matthew 19:4-6 points out that at marriage a shift has occurred. It says, '"Haven't you read,' he [Jesus] replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate"' (NIV, bold added). Let's take a look at the two terms Jesus used.

The first word in Greek is kataleppsei.  " Leave" is better translated abandon. In other words, once a husband marries, he is to abandon the influence the parents who raised him and shift it for his wife. The term implies that in respect to the covenant of marriage the former child- parent relationship is altered.  In actuality that does not mean that the married couple is to have a lousy relationship with the husband's parents. Nevertheless, the union makes the former relationship changed forever. The new allegiance is to one's wife.

The other terms has the opposite meaning. Those words are translated with the one word in Greek which is proskollamai.  Proskollamai may be translated  "be united", but a better translation is stick like glue. In other words, these words reveal the marvelous transformation that takes place once a couple is married. After all, once married, the wife needs to look to her husband for strength, not her own parents.  Thus, a couple changes loyalty for all issues pertaining to their lives from parents to each other.

To bring it on home, one way of observing whether or not this transformation has taken place is to listen to the husband or wife as to when they go to visit their parents. If either say they are "going home", that may indicate they have not yet processed this metamorphosis God desires. The husband is to abandon his parents' control over his life, and his wife must look to her husband and not to her mom or dad as the most influential human on the face of the earth.

What do you think?

The Spouse Character Assassination Game

Have you ever been at a social gathering where the Spouse Character Assassination Game (or SCAG for short) is played? It is without a doubt one of the most vicious, nasty ways of relating to one's spouse that was ever conceived. You may be at a loss to know what is described here. However, once you understand how this vindictive, passive- aggressive game is played, you will be able to spot it as soon as it rears its angry head.

It should be noted that there are two types of SCAG: sarcastic humor and malicious attack. To play either variety of this game you need a married couple who have been married a few years, and have ably mastered the art of a dysfunctional marriage. Next, you need an audience to play. A family get together, a social event, sometimes even a Bible study at church or any other setting where a number of people will be in attendance. Now to play the game effectively, one of the mates is the aggressor who will make the uncalled for jokes. The other mate is the victim. On rare occasions where SCAG is performed both mates are both adept at dishing out zingers.

Here are some of the basic ground rules. When a good number of people are within earshot, the salvos begin. (You don't want to waste all that "good humor" without an audience.) The purpose is to create n impression that the comments made are in "jest". Further, to add to the "light-heartedness" it helps if the aggressor has a smirk, smile or lightly laughing so everyone know it should not be taken too seriously. [Note: it is probably advisable to avoid belly laughs as they may take away from the humor of the moment.] For example, a wife who is skilled in playing SCAG might say of her husband, "George, asked me the other day if he could help me with something around the house. It took awhile to answer him because the shock caused me to faint." Or a husband might recall, "The other night some firemen knocked on my door inquiring about the location of the fire. I told them sheepishly that my wife was trying out a new recipe." You get the idea.

There is a more sinister version of this game. It is played when a person has a genuine complaint with his spouse. Yet, to get extra mileage on the legitmacy of the concern, the aggressor loudly berates his/her spouse for their stupidity while the audience watches this embarrassing debacle.
Humor is not even broached. Rather, this is a public declaration and vindication for all to witness that the spouse in question is truly incompetent.

The thing that troubles me is this. Regardless of who has played the Spouse Character Assassination game whether to "playfully" present one's mate as a buffoon or to directly and maliciously attack a mate's personhood, there is a huge problem when one tries to justify either one. Paul's admonition regarding love diametrically opposes this type of childish and polarizing behavior. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1Cor. 13:4-7, NIV).

The Law of the Flip Side

Think back to the time when you and your spouse were dating. If you think real hard, there was something that really set your husband or wife apart from everyone else on the planet. Take Tom and Mary. The thing that attracted Tom to Mary was her bubbly personality. It did not matter the situation, Mary was able to see God's hand in her life, and consequently, did not get depressed very often. For Tom it was quite a different story. Tom was perceived as the strong, silent type. He did not say too much while they were going together, but in Mary's mind that added to his mystique.

Now a few year have passed and those endearing qualities are starting to drive both Tom and Mary up the wall. There is a simple reason. Each positive trait a person has, also has a negative aspect. Tom appreciates Mary's bubbly personality, but wishes she would listen to him better. Tom, still the man of few words, tends to unknowingly frustrate Mary because when troubled, he works things out in his head - silently.

Now look in Genesis 12. God had just made a covenant with Abram. Then some time later Abram was in the midst of a famine. So, Abram being a responsible husband took his wife and household to Egypt. While he had a compliant nature in obeying the voice of God, the other side of a compliant nature is one who lacked assertiveness when needed. In fact, Abram's  fear put his own wife, Sarai, at risk since he was afraid and told his wife to tell everyone she was his sister. Eventually, the half-truth was found out, but it illustrates how as godly a man as Abram was, there were weaknesses linked to his strengths.

Some people go into marriage with the skewed idea of changing their spouse. A better idea is seek to fully understand your mate. Realizing the positive aspects definitely have a flip side saves a lot of grief. Understanding your mate goes a long way to paving the road to a happy marriage.

Contract vs. Covenant

Have you ever noticed there is a difference in how marriage is viewed? To some marriage is viewed as a contract. Others view it as a covenant. A contract is a binding relationship between two or more parties for the express purpose of meeting a mutual objective for a specific period of time (i.e. purchasing a car).  If indeed the contract is broken, there may be legal consequences for not abiding to what you agreed to in the first place. To illustrate, let's think about purchasing the car. If a person fails to pay for the vehicle, the car will be repossessed and that person will have a mark against him on his credit history.

A covenant is quite a different story. The best illustration of a covenant relationship is marriage. Here's why. Whereas the contract established the relationship for a specific period of time,  the covenant is an on-going  relationship. Whereas in a contract the two people are concerned with what each will get out of the arrangement, a covenant has a unique perspective. A covenant relationship takes the assets and deficits of both parties, and they are shared equally. Whereas in  contract the objective is approached in terms of what do I get out of this, the covenant, on the other hand, has the primary objective of serving the other person.

Marriage, as God has designed, is a covenant relationship contingent upon what do I have to bring to the relationship to edify my life mate.

Two Types of Love

Today as never before it seems we are acutely aware of disposable things. That tendency seems to have effected many married couples as they fail to grasp the difference between phileo love and  agape love. Phileo love is love that is contingent upon emotions. The “warm fuzzies”, for lack of better term keynotes this designation of love. Phileo love is the type that says “I will  be kind to you, if you are kind to me”. However, since it is a self-oriented, feeling based love, if one receives negative feedback, then negative feedback  is returned. Agape love, on the other hand, is quite different. Some have described it as colorless, irritating, and is quite frankly annoying. Why? Because agape love cares for the other person, even if when is not returned. Agape love lays the gauntlet down of doing an act of love, even when  he/she may not appreciate it. That is  tough stuff. I t seems to  be  what is spoken of in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. A healthy marriage has a foundation of agape love which allows for a generous supply of phileo.

What do you think?