In Proverbs 6:27-29 we read:
"Can a man scoop fire into his lap
without his clothes being burned?
Can a man walk on hot coals
without his feet being scorched?
So is he who sleeps with another man's wife;
no one who touches her will go unpunished" (NASB).
Affairs are one of the most tragic things I have ever encountered as a counselor. Adultery wounds the unsuspecting spouse, the children, sometimes close friends, and often the people involved in the affair unless their consciences have been seared. The media may play into the intrigue and the glamor of a secret tryst. The truth is adulterous affairs cause a great deal of collateral damage.
Have you ever wondered how affairs begin? In an online article entitled "Protecting Your Marriage" (http://www.wisdomforliving.com/wisecounsel/protectingyourmarriagefromadultery.html)
the author offers seven reasons that seem to fit why married people get entangled into affairs.
1. A series of choices - Be careful of your choices that they are ones that truly honor God. For some people that is a problem as their hearts are filled with duplicity.
2. Feeding an unholy attraction - God has wired us in such a way to recognize and respond to flirting and physical attraction. If flirting is directed at our mates, that's wonderful. When we sense that a member of the opposite sex, who is not our mate, is flirting with us, nothing good will occur if we respond to the lure.
3. Playing with thoughts - If we don't control our thought life, our actions will soon follow. Adulterous thoughts can lead to making our thoughts a reality.
4. Not dealing with your lust - Live in a way that relies upon God's power in your life - not your own power (See Romans 7:18).
5. Denying the voice of conscience - When we fail to heed to the warming signs of a conscience letting us know we are about to fall into sin, the conscience can become desensitized. [The conscience in this context is the counsel of the Holy Spirit.]
6. Believing lies - An adulterous affair is not about love, but of selfish lust. The deception continues by the mistaken belief that the adulterers will never be found out. But the writer brings out the biblical reality: "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap" (NASB).
7. Unmet personal needs - One of the reasons a person becomes a prime candidate for an affair is that their spouse has not met their needs in some way - spiritually, emotionally, or physically.
Final thought: If you find that any or all of the steps that lead to an affair applies to the relationship to your spouse, your next step should be seeking the assistance of a Christian counselor.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Treating With Respect
Marriage is indeed an adventure. Two very different people are brought into a covenant relationship to spend the rest of their lives trying to figure each other out. For some it becomes an exciting journey; for others the union becomes a continual source of frustration and negative feedback. Only after the ceremony that has taken months to plan does a couple begin to realize how little is known about the other person.
As time goes by close,intimate details are shared with the other person. As care and sensitivity is experienced, more sharing and risking is taken. Such higher levels of communication, when in the milieu of love and trust, aids in marriages that flourish.
In the keepsake of loving couple are treasures of memories past and present.
For some people, the lack of mutual respect is a common reality. In-depth sharing may be met with sarcasm or vicious retorts which is sure to offend and detract from any further revelation, at least temporarily. When negative feedback becomes more routine and deteriorates to one or two word answers, an impenetrable communication wall may be established. Usually the perpetrators of building such a monument of isolation is borne by husbands. Yet, there are more than a few ladies who lack tact and diplomacy when communicating with their mates.
Sometimes our mates need to share a concern with us. That's OK. For example, I have a bad habit of getting ready to leave the house without checking my pant legs. Usually one or both are caught up in my socks and I am oblivious to this fashion offense. My wife, Audrey, is well aware of this foible. Although she has teased me about it, Audrey has never used it to lampoon or represent me as a buffoon, particularly in public.
Such is not the case with a myriad of wives and husbands who have a warped idea that biting sarcasm is a great "motivator" or wounding your life mate is "humorous". Making a public spectacle of your mate in reality labels the instigator as an unloving and an uncaring person, even if the incident were totally out of character for the one making the remark.
Examples are endless.
If this devastating game is played by both partners,in no time the nastiness gets racheted up - sending salvos to do real damage in the "enemy's camp".
You get the drift. And cuts and comments get more personal and meaner depending upon the level of frustration and unforgiveness. Imagine the impact this has on the immediate audience - the children.
If the term of gentleness were employed on all levels of marital communication, more homes would experience more peace as opposed to routine chaos. Imagine what would happen if biblical gentlenss were employed in your home? Gentleness, in the New Testament, is an understanding of acting with humility, and addressing concerns in a way that draws people together. (Complete Biblical Library: Pi - Rho, pgs. 280-281.) What a great concept for adding to your communication arsenal!
Thought: Solomon really had it right. "A gentle answer turns away wrath. But a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1, NASB).
As time goes by close,intimate details are shared with the other person. As care and sensitivity is experienced, more sharing and risking is taken. Such higher levels of communication, when in the milieu of love and trust, aids in marriages that flourish.
In the keepsake of loving couple are treasures of memories past and present.
For some people, the lack of mutual respect is a common reality. In-depth sharing may be met with sarcasm or vicious retorts which is sure to offend and detract from any further revelation, at least temporarily. When negative feedback becomes more routine and deteriorates to one or two word answers, an impenetrable communication wall may be established. Usually the perpetrators of building such a monument of isolation is borne by husbands. Yet, there are more than a few ladies who lack tact and diplomacy when communicating with their mates.
Sometimes our mates need to share a concern with us. That's OK. For example, I have a bad habit of getting ready to leave the house without checking my pant legs. Usually one or both are caught up in my socks and I am oblivious to this fashion offense. My wife, Audrey, is well aware of this foible. Although she has teased me about it, Audrey has never used it to lampoon or represent me as a buffoon, particularly in public.
Such is not the case with a myriad of wives and husbands who have a warped idea that biting sarcasm is a great "motivator" or wounding your life mate is "humorous". Making a public spectacle of your mate in reality labels the instigator as an unloving and an uncaring person, even if the incident were totally out of character for the one making the remark.
Examples are endless.
If this devastating game is played by both partners,in no time the nastiness gets racheted up - sending salvos to do real damage in the "enemy's camp".
You get the drift. And cuts and comments get more personal and meaner depending upon the level of frustration and unforgiveness. Imagine the impact this has on the immediate audience - the children.
If the term of gentleness were employed on all levels of marital communication, more homes would experience more peace as opposed to routine chaos. Imagine what would happen if biblical gentlenss were employed in your home? Gentleness, in the New Testament, is an understanding of acting with humility, and addressing concerns in a way that draws people together. (Complete Biblical Library: Pi - Rho, pgs. 280-281.) What a great concept for adding to your communication arsenal!
Thought: Solomon really had it right. "A gentle answer turns away wrath. But a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1, NASB).
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Processing the Hurts from the Past: Part 2
Pain that leaves one wounded as the result of a clear perpetrator results in the type of predicament we dealt with in the previous blog. Many people suffer from the outrageous words and acts that scar deeply and leave wounds that won't heal.
Frank Peretti knows what wounds are like. In his book, The Wounded Self, Peretti unpacks the burden he carried by being afflicted from birth with cystic hygroma. Cystic hygroma is a condition that causes the tongue to grow grotesquely and, at least in Peretti's case, interfere with physical development. Undergoing numerous surgeries, Peretti knew the range of demeaning social interactions: morbid curiosity to the egregious remarks of children to the cruel behavior at the hands of peers in a school locker room.
Whereas the pain exposed last time revealed clear instigators of inflicting cruel treatment. This is a bit dissimilar. Not all pain has a clear instigator. In Peretti's case, physical anomalies caused the impetus for the abuse. Many of the participants, although remembered, were not that creative. They exploited an obvious physical challenge and attacked without mercy so as to glean some sadistic level of satisfaction.
Although Peretti had to have numerous surgeries, his plight caused him to have deep insecurities about his physical being. Repeated surgeries were required to carve out portions of his misshapen and oozing tongue. Needless to say the feedback of disgust and utter repugnance was the standard fair for social contact at time when he needed it the most.
Sometimes when people have been picked on or been abused over an extended period of time, they react by doing horrendous things. The Columbine massacre, which occurred over 11 years ago, is an acute testimonial of what seemed to be gross mistreatment without appropriate intervention for the ones who would eventually be the perpetrators of cold, calculating murder. The tragic outcome reveals the dead-end result of one targeted by peers and authority figures as a loser and less of worth than his peers.
The truism is clear. One of the saddest commentaries is this: those who have been mistreated very often go on to mistreat others. This is particularly apparent in marriages when deeply wounded people marry having lives filled with deep, festering wounds that will erupt again given the right circumstances.
In some cases, counseling from a skilled counselor will be needed to identify and process the horrendous memories one has suffered. Allowing the travesty of yesterday to go unnoticed makes no sense, and is indeed a recipe for disaster. This is particularly true if the nightmare from the past is a living hell to this day. That in itself is a desperate cry for help.
The only way to get through pain suffered is to realize it must be processed. But how? To begin the long arduous prcoess, Peretti brings out the realization that , "God does not want to waste one ounce of our pain or a drop of our tears; suffering doesn't come our way for no reason, and He seems especially efficient at using what we endure to mold our character. If we are malleable, He takes our bumps and bruises and shapes them into something beautiful" (p. 183).
Frank Peretti knows what wounds are like. In his book, The Wounded Self, Peretti unpacks the burden he carried by being afflicted from birth with cystic hygroma. Cystic hygroma is a condition that causes the tongue to grow grotesquely and, at least in Peretti's case, interfere with physical development. Undergoing numerous surgeries, Peretti knew the range of demeaning social interactions: morbid curiosity to the egregious remarks of children to the cruel behavior at the hands of peers in a school locker room.
Whereas the pain exposed last time revealed clear instigators of inflicting cruel treatment. This is a bit dissimilar. Not all pain has a clear instigator. In Peretti's case, physical anomalies caused the impetus for the abuse. Many of the participants, although remembered, were not that creative. They exploited an obvious physical challenge and attacked without mercy so as to glean some sadistic level of satisfaction.
Although Peretti had to have numerous surgeries, his plight caused him to have deep insecurities about his physical being. Repeated surgeries were required to carve out portions of his misshapen and oozing tongue. Needless to say the feedback of disgust and utter repugnance was the standard fair for social contact at time when he needed it the most.
Sometimes when people have been picked on or been abused over an extended period of time, they react by doing horrendous things. The Columbine massacre, which occurred over 11 years ago, is an acute testimonial of what seemed to be gross mistreatment without appropriate intervention for the ones who would eventually be the perpetrators of cold, calculating murder. The tragic outcome reveals the dead-end result of one targeted by peers and authority figures as a loser and less of worth than his peers.
The truism is clear. One of the saddest commentaries is this: those who have been mistreated very often go on to mistreat others. This is particularly apparent in marriages when deeply wounded people marry having lives filled with deep, festering wounds that will erupt again given the right circumstances.
In some cases, counseling from a skilled counselor will be needed to identify and process the horrendous memories one has suffered. Allowing the travesty of yesterday to go unnoticed makes no sense, and is indeed a recipe for disaster. This is particularly true if the nightmare from the past is a living hell to this day. That in itself is a desperate cry for help.
The only way to get through pain suffered is to realize it must be processed. But how? To begin the long arduous prcoess, Peretti brings out the realization that , "God does not want to waste one ounce of our pain or a drop of our tears; suffering doesn't come our way for no reason, and He seems especially efficient at using what we endure to mold our character. If we are malleable, He takes our bumps and bruises and shapes them into something beautiful" (p. 183).
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Processing the Hurts from the Past: Part 1
Imagine you are tethered to a ten pound weight. That in and of itself is not something that sounds terribly difficult or horrendous. Day after day, though, you trudge along with this albatross shackled to your ankle. Annoying, but never absent the weight is always there. For regardless of whether you are relaxing watching a favorite TV program or you are hustling to get to an appointment this attachment is always with you - 24/7.
At times you would like to be free of this burden, but for the sake of our illustration, you are not permitted to be free of this. Life still goes on. The weight is always there. You have almost accepted it as part of your life.
To rationally think of going through a day and allow yourself to be tied to a useless weight seems ridiculous. Yet, many peole go through life constantly replaying in the theater of their mind the excruciatingly painful episodes from the past. Any number of things may have been the result. An abusive mother. Being sexually molested by an uncle. Forced to witness untold integrity lapses that have left you scarred and wounded.
In attempting to find peace for these issues, further challenges are met. For some, simplistic answers that reveal shallowness of heart and faith. The lack of congruent thinking leaves some sufferers with the prospect of abandoning their faith.
Now when you add the intricate component of marriage and family responsibilities, you have racheted up the stress levels for ones who are so burdened. As a result such individuals may experience less fulfillment in their lives. Not only that, the area where the person suffered in the past is like a pothole in their memory bank. Just as potholes in roads tend to erode over time, so potholes caused by being attached to pain may cause those who suffer to circumvent portions of their lives where the pain is associated.
The psalmist delcares in Psalm 10:1 "Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide your self in times of trouble" (NIV). In the midst of his pain, the psalmist shared his heart with God, acknowledging that he felt distanced from Him. As we read on further we realized that the pslamist was reacting to the treatment by an unidentified wicked person. Evil people dump truck loads of garbage on unsuspecting individuals who agonize years later. And the gall of it all, they seem to get away with it.
The focus of Psalm 10 is not the pain, but the One who walks us through the pain. Toward the end of the Psalm we read, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more" (Ps. 10:17-18, NIV).
What is most interesting about this passage is the use of two words: "encourage" and "defending". A proper translation of "encourage" means "confirming a position"
(Hebrew - Greek: Key Word Study Bible: NASB, p. 1901). The other word which is rendered "defending" means "defend, execute (judgment)" (Ibid., p. 2067.) In other words, the one who has suffered painful horrors from the past that still afflict and encumber his/her daily living is one who may look forward to God for vindication and execution of divine judgment upon the one who caused the pain.
There are indeed two assumptions. One is that the one so afflicted will be one who is seeking after the Lord to settle the matter(s). The other assumption is this: in His time God will carry out judgment on anyone who does evil against another person and remains unrepentant. That is why when we read "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written:'It is mine to avenge, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19, NIV).
Being free from the bondage of pain in the past may be facilitated by employing a skilled counselor. That in no way negates the work of the Holy Spirit in a person's life. He sometimes uses humans as His point of contact to work through the junk from the past.
Next time we will continue this discussion on "Processing The Hurt from the Past". The emphasis will be on pain whose source may not be easily identified.
At times you would like to be free of this burden, but for the sake of our illustration, you are not permitted to be free of this. Life still goes on. The weight is always there. You have almost accepted it as part of your life.
To rationally think of going through a day and allow yourself to be tied to a useless weight seems ridiculous. Yet, many peole go through life constantly replaying in the theater of their mind the excruciatingly painful episodes from the past. Any number of things may have been the result. An abusive mother. Being sexually molested by an uncle. Forced to witness untold integrity lapses that have left you scarred and wounded.
In attempting to find peace for these issues, further challenges are met. For some, simplistic answers that reveal shallowness of heart and faith. The lack of congruent thinking leaves some sufferers with the prospect of abandoning their faith.
Now when you add the intricate component of marriage and family responsibilities, you have racheted up the stress levels for ones who are so burdened. As a result such individuals may experience less fulfillment in their lives. Not only that, the area where the person suffered in the past is like a pothole in their memory bank. Just as potholes in roads tend to erode over time, so potholes caused by being attached to pain may cause those who suffer to circumvent portions of their lives where the pain is associated.
The psalmist delcares in Psalm 10:1 "Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide your self in times of trouble" (NIV). In the midst of his pain, the psalmist shared his heart with God, acknowledging that he felt distanced from Him. As we read on further we realized that the pslamist was reacting to the treatment by an unidentified wicked person. Evil people dump truck loads of garbage on unsuspecting individuals who agonize years later. And the gall of it all, they seem to get away with it.
The focus of Psalm 10 is not the pain, but the One who walks us through the pain. Toward the end of the Psalm we read, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more" (Ps. 10:17-18, NIV).
What is most interesting about this passage is the use of two words: "encourage" and "defending". A proper translation of "encourage" means "confirming a position"
(Hebrew - Greek: Key Word Study Bible: NASB, p. 1901). The other word which is rendered "defending" means "defend, execute (judgment)" (Ibid., p. 2067.) In other words, the one who has suffered painful horrors from the past that still afflict and encumber his/her daily living is one who may look forward to God for vindication and execution of divine judgment upon the one who caused the pain.
There are indeed two assumptions. One is that the one so afflicted will be one who is seeking after the Lord to settle the matter(s). The other assumption is this: in His time God will carry out judgment on anyone who does evil against another person and remains unrepentant. That is why when we read "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written:'It is mine to avenge, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19, NIV).
Being free from the bondage of pain in the past may be facilitated by employing a skilled counselor. That in no way negates the work of the Holy Spirit in a person's life. He sometimes uses humans as His point of contact to work through the junk from the past.
Next time we will continue this discussion on "Processing The Hurt from the Past". The emphasis will be on pain whose source may not be easily identified.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Navigating the Icy Waters
Ice Breakers are my latest fascination. No, I am not talking about the person who just knows how to get a social function off to a great start because of some hilarious jokes. I am also not referring to those cute games we play to get acquainted with a group of strangers.
What is being referred to are the massive ships that break ice - icebreakers. On the surface that is rather an odd thing for one who lives in Florida to be concerned with. But there is a great life lesson in icebreakers. With double hulled steel construction, icebreakers are designed to keep icy trade routs open as the ships push through to open seas. The rounded hull facilitates the massive ships to ride up on top of the ice floes, break them, then make a path. Added reinforcement to the bottom and sides of the ships are engineered to deter nipping caused by pressure from ice floes.
Powering these behemoth ships is also a key element. Adequate power is what will give the ship the impetus to plow through the ice like a linebacker cutting through an offensive line. Engineering has gone the extras mile in being proactive, for if an icebreaker breaks a propeller, it can be replaced while in the midst of a ice mass.
It should be noted icebreakers are vulnerable when they are at open sea. Their vulnerability exists from choppy waves. That is when their rounded hulls makes the icebreakers susceptible to capsizing. Later designs have developed devices to impede that from happening. Rolling seas are not for the faint, as it can get extremely rocky on board.
Icebreakers are such a great analogy for marriage. A couple starts out on the quiet waters of early marriage just getting out of the harbor. Once in the open seas, they may experience some turbulence. Many marriages are lost within the early years because they were not adequately prepared for the natural turbulence of two individuals becoming one flesh.
The real test is yet to come. You are in the midst of glacier-like challenges. Sickness. Financial downturns. Family discord. Loss of jobs. Spiritual shaking. Myriads of pressures. Infidelity. The list seems endless. At this point many couples abandon their marriages, thinking going on to another relationship will solve everything.
Couples who effectively navigate challenging waters of matrimony have several things in common with the icebreakers. One thing is dogged determination to get through the crisis. Matthew 6:34 states, "Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NASV). Then too, just as the icebreaker rides up and comes careening down, crushing the ice to pieces, so the committed couple joins together, crushing the temptation to give up. The last key comparison to mariage is the destination.
Final thought: A marriage of two believers which has the empowering of the Spirit of God will navigate through the sometimes troubled waters of matrimony by applying the principle found in the movie Apollo 13: "Failure is not an option."
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Guarding Roaming Eyes
One of the common understandings is that men tend to be more visually oriented. This in and of itself is not terribly enlightening, for we encounter instances to support this premise on a daily basis. What becomes a curious observation is the fact that Job was one of the earliest writers to give instruction to men to put a leash on one's eyes. Job writes, ''I have made a covenant with my eyes; How then could I gaze at a virgin?'" (Job 31:1, N.A.S.B.)
There are a couple of words which make this of particular interest to us. First is the word for "make" which is the Hebrew word karah. Karah literally means "to make a cut" (Strong's Hebrew Dictionary, p. 1908.) This refers to what occurred when a covenant was made as we see in Genesis. God made a covenant with Abram and used the sacrifice of a heifer that was split down the middle. This established a covenant with Abram and God, but also with the nation of Israel. (See Genesis 15:10-18).
The other word to consider is the Hebrew word beryth. Beryth literally means "a compact made by passing between two pieces of flesh....An alliance, agreement, ordinance, or agreement between two persons." The term also applies to God and covenants established with man. (Ibid., p. 1283.)
Job was making a statement that in the midst of the suffering he was enduring, he had made an agreement not to view any young woman with lust. Job is saying that in the midst of the life wrenching pain he felt - loss of all his children, loss of almost all his servants, his financial fortune dissolved, and to add further insult his wife advices him to '"Curse God and die!"' (2:9) to put an end to his troubled life. If that wasn't enough, Job had to endure his "friends". Obviously they knew little about comfort, they knew everything about deluging Job with condemnation. Some friends!
Yet, we see that Job is pushed to the wall. When a person is at the brink of despair, they will reveal who they really are in character. Not only do we see Job careful in how he looks at a young woman, but he carried this detail out in the rest of his life - Job was a man of incredible integrity. I believe the comprehensive integrity Job lived permeated every area of his life. He was so confident of his character being spotless in regards to his dealings with women that if it were not so he was willing for his own wife to become a slave to others as punishment for his sin (Job 31:9 -10).
So what is the point? Simply this. Although we men are by design visual creatures, and are more drawn to visual images, if you really care about your wife, you will not look at any other woman in a way that would cause you to lust. This is a new way of thinking for some men, particularly husbands who are rather clueless. But when was the last time you changed the channel when a scantily clad female came across the TV screen? When you are driving doe=wn the street and notice an attractive woman, do you go around the block for another view? Who in your life is effected by your behavior?
Men, do not take my word for it. If you have the guts, check this out yourself. Ask your wife what that does to her when you "check out a female". If she is honest you will probably find out that such activity will hurt her deeply and totally disrespects as the primary person to be the object of your affection.
Final thought: What we allow in this generation will become accepted behavior in the next. If that is the case, what type of influence do you have on those who look up to you in how you view women?
There are a couple of words which make this of particular interest to us. First is the word for "make" which is the Hebrew word karah. Karah literally means "to make a cut" (Strong's Hebrew Dictionary, p. 1908.) This refers to what occurred when a covenant was made as we see in Genesis. God made a covenant with Abram and used the sacrifice of a heifer that was split down the middle. This established a covenant with Abram and God, but also with the nation of Israel. (See Genesis 15:10-18).
The other word to consider is the Hebrew word beryth. Beryth literally means "a compact made by passing between two pieces of flesh....An alliance, agreement, ordinance, or agreement between two persons." The term also applies to God and covenants established with man. (Ibid., p. 1283.)
Job was making a statement that in the midst of the suffering he was enduring, he had made an agreement not to view any young woman with lust. Job is saying that in the midst of the life wrenching pain he felt - loss of all his children, loss of almost all his servants, his financial fortune dissolved, and to add further insult his wife advices him to '"Curse God and die!"' (2:9) to put an end to his troubled life. If that wasn't enough, Job had to endure his "friends". Obviously they knew little about comfort, they knew everything about deluging Job with condemnation. Some friends!
Yet, we see that Job is pushed to the wall. When a person is at the brink of despair, they will reveal who they really are in character. Not only do we see Job careful in how he looks at a young woman, but he carried this detail out in the rest of his life - Job was a man of incredible integrity. I believe the comprehensive integrity Job lived permeated every area of his life. He was so confident of his character being spotless in regards to his dealings with women that if it were not so he was willing for his own wife to become a slave to others as punishment for his sin (Job 31:9 -10).
So what is the point? Simply this. Although we men are by design visual creatures, and are more drawn to visual images, if you really care about your wife, you will not look at any other woman in a way that would cause you to lust. This is a new way of thinking for some men, particularly husbands who are rather clueless. But when was the last time you changed the channel when a scantily clad female came across the TV screen? When you are driving doe=wn the street and notice an attractive woman, do you go around the block for another view? Who in your life is effected by your behavior?
Men, do not take my word for it. If you have the guts, check this out yourself. Ask your wife what that does to her when you "check out a female". If she is honest you will probably find out that such activity will hurt her deeply and totally disrespects as the primary person to be the object of your affection.
Final thought: What we allow in this generation will become accepted behavior in the next. If that is the case, what type of influence do you have on those who look up to you in how you view women?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
How Long Does Love Last?
Some years back someone thought they would bring a flair of progressiveness to marriage vows so they instituted something. Not only is it popular for many couple to write their own wedding vows, but to add a disclaimer - "as long as we both shall love."
On the surface that sounds really good. We want a marriage to last as long as we both shall love. After all, isn't this an attempt to reach out to her needs and show that I am really committed to this marriage? Or isn't this a wonderful way to say to my husband that I intend to stay in love? As you can see it does sound good. The problem is that it is flawed logic.
The logic goes like this: we desire collectively to stay in this marriage as long as we both feel that we are in love. And when either of us does not so feel that way, then that is the time to strike the death knell and say farewell to this relationship. Then we are free to move on to the next relationship as if we are sampling food at a buffet. This short-sighted thinking is right in par with those who espouse the virtues of starter marriages as they proceed to go from one failed relationship to another without thought or regret.
Unfortunately, a couple who marries with similar self-centered vows has a limited understanding of love. There is an aspect of love that is reciprocal. We call that phileo love. ( See the blog entitled, "Two Types of Love" on May 5, 2009.) On the other hand, agape love is the glue that goes beyond the warm fuzzy feelings. It is the love that motivates you to reach out to your wife and fix her a meal when she is not feeling well and you have a ton of work to do. Or it is that quality of defending your husband to others, even when he was not particularly kind to you the night before.
The thing that some people never get is that some stuff in marriage just doesn't matter. I think Paul said it best when he described love as "it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5, N.I.V.). The kind of love Paul describes was agape which is devoid of the warm fuzzies (feelings), because warm fuzzies come and go.
So, if you are anticipating getting married and want to write you own vows, drop the words that reflect marriage is all about you. Sooner or later you will realize it's a shared relationship that thrives on sacrificial love. For the rest of us who are married do your mate a favor and start reaching out to her/him as Christ modeled for us. (Be careful: the new behavior ma shock your mate if he/she has not seen it in a really long time.)
On the surface that sounds really good. We want a marriage to last as long as we both shall love. After all, isn't this an attempt to reach out to her needs and show that I am really committed to this marriage? Or isn't this a wonderful way to say to my husband that I intend to stay in love? As you can see it does sound good. The problem is that it is flawed logic.
The logic goes like this: we desire collectively to stay in this marriage as long as we both feel that we are in love. And when either of us does not so feel that way, then that is the time to strike the death knell and say farewell to this relationship. Then we are free to move on to the next relationship as if we are sampling food at a buffet. This short-sighted thinking is right in par with those who espouse the virtues of starter marriages as they proceed to go from one failed relationship to another without thought or regret.
Unfortunately, a couple who marries with similar self-centered vows has a limited understanding of love. There is an aspect of love that is reciprocal. We call that phileo love. ( See the blog entitled, "Two Types of Love" on May 5, 2009.) On the other hand, agape love is the glue that goes beyond the warm fuzzy feelings. It is the love that motivates you to reach out to your wife and fix her a meal when she is not feeling well and you have a ton of work to do. Or it is that quality of defending your husband to others, even when he was not particularly kind to you the night before.
The thing that some people never get is that some stuff in marriage just doesn't matter. I think Paul said it best when he described love as "it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5, N.I.V.). The kind of love Paul describes was agape which is devoid of the warm fuzzies (feelings), because warm fuzzies come and go.
So, if you are anticipating getting married and want to write you own vows, drop the words that reflect marriage is all about you. Sooner or later you will realize it's a shared relationship that thrives on sacrificial love. For the rest of us who are married do your mate a favor and start reaching out to her/him as Christ modeled for us. (Be careful: the new behavior ma shock your mate if he/she has not seen it in a really long time.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)