First Impression

On January 6, 1978 I was introduced to a very cute gal. A mutual friend of ours had encouraged this young lady to audit one of my seminary classes - Theories of Personality. From the onset, I realized there was something very special about her. As time progressed, it was my pleasant discovery that conversing with this female came natural. Added to that was the revelation this gal conveyed the elements of a solid Christian character. That is why on the last day of class, as this young lady was walking away and almost out of my life forever, I decided to ask her out on a date. (It should be noted my laid back nature almost ruined everything.)

As time would have it, the lady eventually became my beloved wife, Audrey. This past June 9th we celebrated 30 years wed accented with four wonderful children and one terrific granddaughter, so far, to show for our bliss. Needless to say, I reflect back on those days of meeting Audrey as a special and life changing event.

One of the things I often encourage married couples who come for counseling to do is to reflect upon the time when they were first going together. Unless a couple is masochistic and want to be utterly miserable, that usually evokes splendid memories for them. Thinking of the anticipation of being with this exceptional person, finding it challenging to concentrate on anything else, and a myriad of other superficial concerns occupy those venturing into this arena. Great memories!

Sadly, though, a number of couples lose what some might call "the spark" somewhere after saying "I do". What happens is a drifting away from each other. Frankly this is reflected when a number of couples refer to this or that person as their best friend other than one's mate. A shift has occurred allowing other relationships to curtail what should be the best human friendship. That is why I would be remiss to not declare my best friend on the face of this earth is Audrey. Hands down. I enjoy doing things with her even watching an occasional "chic flic" movie. (Not all the time, though.) This reminds me of a couple in the Scriptures, Isaac and Rebekah, who initially were very much in love. (See Genesis 24:62-67). Over a period of time, however, things changed.

Through the years Isaac and Rebekah allowed something tragic to happen to them. They began to favor one son over another. (See the blog, "Parenting: A Level Playing Field", July 17th.) Anytime parental bias is evident, the reason often stems from a couple developing issues in how they relate to each other.

My hope is for everyone I encounter to be married to as wonderful a person as Audrey is.

But for now, thinking back to the time when you met your mate, and the days following when you were going together. If your marriage indicates things are rather bumpy and you and your spouse are no longer close, it may be time for getting some help.

Final thought: the only time it is too late for counseling is when a person is no longer breathing.

Covered Hearts

A biblical passage many pastors seem to avoid is truly a troubling one. Part of the reason for avoidance is the fact that what Jesus is teaching is hard to swallow. Granted many of our Lord's statements could cause his opponents eyes to roll. The passage I speak of is found over in Matthew 19:8 - 9: "Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery'"(NIV, bolding added).

In the Old Testament women essentially had no rights. As a result there was concern that if a woman was in a marriage where she was not wanted, there was the possibility of harm that would come to her. Divorce, then, in certain instances was allowed. Although there were numerous cases of polygamous relationships in the Old Testament, that was a far cry from what God had intended marriage to be: a life covenant between a man and a woman.

By the time Jesus is quoted by Matthew, the Pharisees were questioning the inception of the divorce laws. It is at this juncture that Jesus gives us the so-called "loop hole": if a spouse has committed adultery, the innocent party may remarry. However, the reason for this option was the phrase - "hardness of heart". What is that?

The term "hardness of heart" is the Greek word sklerokardia which translated "the foreskin of he heart" referring to the phrase in Jer. 4:4. We see in the Scriptures the use of "hardness of heart" to refer to giving over to an attitude that was inclined to oppose God, such as the Pharaoh in Egypt in Ex 4. Later on the application was used in relation to the marriage covenant. It is this later meaning we are addressing.

Consequently, in order for a person(s) to contemplate divorce, there is a good chance of circumstances that have occurred that have devalued the relationship in the eyes of the couple.

One of the most selfish things a mate may do to his/her spouse is to be unfaithful. Having counseled many couples through the years who have suffered through the agony of adultery is far from the magic Hollywood portrays sordid lifestyles to be. The needless fall-out also deeply effects children and extended family members.

Nevertheless, when the mate who was sinned against allows God's healing to do the work of uncovering their heart, God's grace is truly actualized. No where in Scripture have I ever come across any passage that mandates a couple who have experienced adultery must divorce. If you doubt that, you may want to review Hosea who married Gomer, a hooker who plied her trade as a prostitute after they were married. Yet, God wanted Hosea to experience what exactly it was like to have your covenant partner be unfaithful as His people were. And Hosea's redemptive love for Gomer is analogous to God's love for His own people.

The dilemma is tough. One of the most heart wrenching things is to hear accounts of people who have had their mates commit adultery. The incredible thing, however, is seeing people who God has turned around as evidenced by their change in mind, heart and action. (That is what we used to call repentance.) If we trust God to lead our lives, to heal us when we are ill, and be the One to go to when our world is crumbling, is there anything askew with trusting Him to turn an errant mate around?

Meeting Needs - Part 2

Continuing the overview of Dr Gary Chapman's The Five Love languages, there are two additional love languages. By identifying the two remaining entities will provide us with a complete understanding of the author's approach of filling your spouse's love tank. We should keep in mind that the information that is being shared is directed for married couples only. 

Acts of service - This is defined by Chapman as "doing things you know your spouse would like you to do". The act itself, is not of primary importance, serving your mate is. The giver understands his spouse feels love by performing such mundane tasks as washing the car, changing the baby, cleaning the bathroom to name a few acts of service that a person would find value when it is accomplished.

A word of caution is needed. Just because a person does acts of service does not necessarily constitute filling a love language. The reason? Love language, particularly, acts of service must not be performed out of fear, guilt or resentment. Such motivation will not fill one's love tank, perhaps it may even cause irritation. Further, Chapman bring out that one who identifies this love language will be less likely to fall into preconceived stereotypes that are defined by gender, not by individual needs. Thus, a spouse who is able to serve his or her mate with acts of service is probably more free to cross traditional roles that are defined by gender. (Some men are great cooks, and some women enjoy fixing things around the house.)

Physical touch - The final love language to be considered is physical touch. This arena encompasses everything from holding hands, hugs, a simple pat, as well as sexual intercourse. Again it should be pointed out that complete expression of this love language is limited to marriage. The mere act of implementing physical touch does not necessarily mean that is an expression of love. Chapman points out, "Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love".

With the discussion of the love languages the next part is then identifying the primary love language. Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service physical touch are the love languages. Identifying the love language of one's spouse may be deduced from two key questions: what causes your spouse to feel most loved? What do you more often than not request from your mate? A couple who can honestly answer these questions and commit to satisfying the needs of their spouse, life partner and best friend will have made a huge leap to having a fulfilled life. The bottom line, then, why the love language of your mate is so important for couples to master is quite simple. Galatians 5:13 declares "through love serve one another" (NASV). Mutual serving is what makes a good marriage possible.

What are your thoughts?

Meeting Needs

Considering the impact the book The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman has had on marriages makes it noteworthy. According to Chapman each person has a love language, sometimes more than one that is predominant. So, if his/her spouse wants to express love in a meaningful way, that mate would be wise to target the key love language of his mate. The reverse is also true. If a mate avoids filling the "love tank" of his mate, then the mate will probably not feel loved. Before going further an essential question must be answered: what are the five love languages?

Words of affirmation - This love language is particularly important to some people. This love language communicates value and importance to the other person. Chapman points out that there are several components to words of affirmation. First, encouraging words. Praise your mate for doing the little things. Next, use kind words. Husbands, if they are the driven type, may lack sensitivity in this regard. Love is communicated not only by the words we select, but by the tone of voice we use. Chapman says, "If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other's desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants." Simple, but tough to do. Then there are humble words. When you ask something of your mate, make it a request, not a demand. "Honey, would you have time to take the garbage out before you leave for work." That is affirming. "What a shock! You forgot the garbage again. Unbelievable." Sarcasm may make us laugh when on TV, but it incites anger in the spouse who is the butt of it.

Quality time - When you give your undivided attention to your mate without the interruption of TV, children or any outside interference, that is quality time. By "undivided attention", the concept is not that difficult, but requires some strategy. One thing is good eye contact. That does not mean you are having a staring contest, but you are attempting to get in touch with your mate on a non-verbal way as well as verbal. Quality time is jeopardized if you say to wife, for example, you want some alone time, then pick up the newspaper to read. Listen to feelings that your mate shares. Observe changes in his/her body language. Chapman ends with this priceless piece: "Refuse to interrupt". Some spouses must feel their mate disappears momentarily the way so many thoughtlessly interrupt them in mid sentence. Listening is an art. (We will get into that at a later time.) For now, allow your mate to share what they need to share without trying to get your two cents in. Some great activities for the one whose love language is quality time are things like taking your mate to an activity your spouse really enjoys (i.e. a concert), take some time each day to share about events of the day or turn the TV off, pop some popcorn and find a cozy, alone place where the two of you can talk.

Receiving gifts - Just about everyone like to receive gifts. In order to give a gift, says Chapman, there is a thought motivating the action. The intrinsic value of the gift is of little importance. What is of importance is the reality you are thinking of your spouse. Also, a gift is a tangible expression of love that may be a reminder to the recipient at a later time. In every marriage there are spenders and savers. For the spenders, giving gifts to one's spouse is not hard. But think again for the savers. In some cases it may be like pulling teeth. Relax. Receiving gifts is not meant to put or bury a couple in debt, but as a way of materially communicating love to one you dearly value. One of the greatest gifts a person may give is the gift of one's presence.

Most of the languages of love may be depicted in Song of Solomon. Yet, it is "the little foxes that ruin the vineyards" of healthy marriages (Song. 2:15, NIV) Caring for the basic love needs of your mate is not complicated, but it does require consistency and dedication to make sure that your spouse feels love. Next week's blog we will conclude will examine the remaining love languages: acts of service and physical touch.

The Galling Act of Forgiveness

Lewis Smedes wrote Forgive or Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve. In this classic work Smedes walks the reader through the journey of forgiveness. Even in the best of marriages, forgiveness must be a bedrock principle. But what exactly is forgiveness?

According to Smedes, forgiveness has four components. First, when our mate wrongs us we enter into a crisis stage. Here we may experience shock as well as hurt at the audacity that our wife has hurt us so grievously. Then, comes the hate phase. This is when we develop strategy for righteous indignation. Most definitely we are dealing with the sense of being violated by our husband, retaliation plans are imminent. Next, we begin to see our mate in different light. The memory of pain is being healed. Finally, is the stage of reconciliation where we invite our mates back into our lives. For some, that may not be so much an invitation that encompasses physical distance, but rather a distance of two hearts moving together.

Smedes says , "Forgiving is love's revolution against life's unfairness. When we forgive, we ignore the normal laws that strap us to the natural law of getting even and, by the alchemy of love, from our own sinful pasts." Forgiveness breaks the downward spiral of retaliation, and puts to rest the junk from our past.

The Apostle Paul put it this way,"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Eph. 4:31-5:2, NIV).