Respectful Fighting

Charlie Shedd wrote a book entitled Letters to Karen. In that work he wrote a chapter entitled "How to Fight Fairly". What Shedd seemed to be talking about is how to effectively communicate your concerns with your mate when you are at odds. There are two key concepts from his pithy gems that are worth paraphrasing. Putting these principles into practice may deter many sleepless nights and a myriad of hurt feelings.


Lower the volume of your voice - Have you ever noticed that when you are trying to get your point across to your life mate and he/she is not getting it, there is an assumption. The assumption is that your mate suddenly has lost their ability to hear. They must be going deaf. "No problem" you think to yourself. "I'll just say it a little louder". It does not take a person with a great deal of discernment to grasp this errant view. The issue is compounded when two people have the "more is better" philosophy regarding volume. Before you know it yelling has commenced which leads some to the next point. Instead, by lowering your volume, , when communicating something you feel strongly about, you are reigning in rogue feelings. Fewer decibels do a very peculiar thing - they force a person to communicate precisely the issue at hand.


Make sure your ammunition is not lethal - Very often when married couples believe the way to deal with frustrations is to yell and scream, then it is just a matter of time when unsavory comments are made. You know what is being referred to here. Brutal comments about one's physical attributes, one's ethnicity, family line and anything and everything else that can be used as leverage against one's mate. Sadly, this vicious altercation may seem "normal" in some sectors, but it is dysfunctional and will devastate a relationship over a long period of time after the last thoughtless word is shared.


When a couple decide to park insulting words at the door, and thereby attack the issue, better results are realized. Clearly for the Type A personality, this approach will initially seem like a waste of time. Yet, the living room couch gets pretty uncomfortable to sleep on, particularly for more than one night.


One of the most tragic things is when I hear accounts of people who have employed techniques that reveal they have little respect for their mates as when the attack mode is in gear. (See also the blog from a few weeks back on "The Spouse Assassination Game.) Paul declares in Eph 5:33, "Each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (NIV). The passage shows the husband to be the initiator of agape love who communicates caring for his wife's welfare, even when he simply does not feel like it. When a wife is treated in an unconditional loving manner, the results to offer respect to her husband will be greatly aided.

Final thought: thoughtless attacks on one's mate lead to hurt and bitter feelings, and often the
issue(s) are left unresolved. The patient loving communication of frustrations which has as its goal mutual respect and positive resolution is a win -win for all concern.


What do you think?