In the book Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons differentiates between types of resolution of interpersonal challenges. Non-assertive behavior allows others to walk over one while experiencing unrest at being disrespected. Aggressive behavior is when a person attacks another individual by words as a way of resolving conflicts. Then there is the assertive behavior. Assertive behavior respects the other person, but also respects one's self. When challenges arise the assertive person communicates in a pattern that expresses the concern without disrespecting the other person or one's self.
Successful marriages intertwine excellent conflict management strategies with godly character. Character, as someone has defined , is how one acts when no one is looking. Linking these two entities we showcase an Old Testament king who has a deficiency in his conflict management style and was a person with as well as being devoid of any smidgen of character. The king's name was the nefarious King Ahab.
Ahab was king over Israel. In fact, he set the standard for evil kings because of his obsession to do creatively ungodly behavior. In 1Kings 21 we read that Ahab had a sincere desire to own the vineyard next door to the palace. This vineyard was no doubt brimming with luscious grapes and was a sight to behold. One day Ahab asked Naboth, the owner of the vineyard, to sell him his vineyard at the current market vale. Naboth promptly declined. The reason? The vineyard was an inheritance from his family. In essence, the land was a tangible part of his heritage and consequently Naboth did not want to sell the land. This is where it gets dicey.
Most adults when they lose at something, a business deal, or whatever, experience disappointment , but deal with it in some manner. Granted, some better than others. Not Ahab. He was a class act. It says in verses 4 -5 "So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezereelite had said, 'I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers.' He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat" (NIV, bold added). Let's put this in today's vernacular: Ahab went home and had a hissy fit because Naboth would not sell him the vineyard.
Ladies, how would you feel if your husband came home form a big disappointment and threw himself across the bed, pouting and deciding not to eat a thing because a business deal went sour? You probably would feel something like this, "Give me a break, Charlie. get over it!"
His wife, Jezebel, came in and chided Ahab for pouting about not getting the land. Then she told Ahab that she would get the land for him. Using lies and deception, Jezebel conjured up false charges against Naboth the penalty for which Naboth was promptly executed. Yet, the big thing is this: when Ahab was at his lowest, he allowed his wife to make it all better. Kind of reminds me of a little boy who falls down, skins his knee, and needs his mommy to kiss the "owie" and make it better. Pathetic! Such a scene is touching if it is a young boy, but nauseating for a grown man to act this way, especially a king. Now over 2800 years later some husbands still lack any kind of effective conflict management skill in the home. Effective conflict management does not just demand one's way, but seeks what is the best way to resolve a conflict or disappointment. John Eldredge does such a great job of pointing out that wives need to draw their strength from their husbands, not the other way around.
Men, when you are faced with working through disappointments it is great to share concerns with your life partner, otherwise known as your wife. Nevertheless knowing that we are the leaders of our homes means that we do not have the option to act as whiny, little boys when we have grown men roles to fill.
Final thought: godly men behave differently then men who have no moral base to their being.
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