Considering the impact the book The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman has had on marriages makes it noteworthy. According to Chapman each person has a love language, sometimes more than one that is predominant. So, if his/her spouse wants to express love in a meaningful way, that mate would be wise to target the key love language of his mate. The reverse is also true. If a mate avoids filling the "love tank" of his mate, then the mate will probably not feel loved. Before going further an essential question must be answered: what are the five love languages?
Words of affirmation - This love language is particularly important to some people. This love language communicates value and importance to the other person. Chapman points out that there are several components to words of affirmation. First, encouraging words. Praise your mate for doing the little things. Next, use kind words. Husbands, if they are the driven type, may lack sensitivity in this regard. Love is communicated not only by the words we select, but by the tone of voice we use. Chapman says, "If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other's desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants." Simple, but tough to do. Then there are humble words. When you ask something of your mate, make it a request, not a demand. "Honey, would you have time to take the garbage out before you leave for work." That is affirming. "What a shock! You forgot the garbage again. Unbelievable." Sarcasm may make us laugh when on TV, but it incites anger in the spouse who is the butt of it.
Quality time - When you give your undivided attention to your mate without the interruption of TV, children or any outside interference, that is quality time. By "undivided attention", the concept is not that difficult, but requires some strategy. One thing is good eye contact. That does not mean you are having a staring contest, but you are attempting to get in touch with your mate on a non-verbal way as well as verbal. Quality time is jeopardized if you say to wife, for example, you want some alone time, then pick up the newspaper to read. Listen to feelings that your mate shares. Observe changes in his/her body language. Chapman ends with this priceless piece: "Refuse to interrupt". Some spouses must feel their mate disappears momentarily the way so many thoughtlessly interrupt them in mid sentence. Listening is an art. (We will get into that at a later time.) For now, allow your mate to share what they need to share without trying to get your two cents in. Some great activities for the one whose love language is quality time are things like taking your mate to an activity your spouse really enjoys (i.e. a concert), take some time each day to share about events of the day or turn the TV off, pop some popcorn and find a cozy, alone place where the two of you can talk.
Receiving gifts - Just about everyone like to receive gifts. In order to give a gift, says Chapman, there is a thought motivating the action. The intrinsic value of the gift is of little importance. What is of importance is the reality you are thinking of your spouse. Also, a gift is a tangible expression of love that may be a reminder to the recipient at a later time. In every marriage there are spenders and savers. For the spenders, giving gifts to one's spouse is not hard. But think again for the savers. In some cases it may be like pulling teeth. Relax. Receiving gifts is not meant to put or bury a couple in debt, but as a way of materially communicating love to one you dearly value. One of the greatest gifts a person may give is the gift of one's presence.
Most of the languages of love may be depicted in Song of Solomon. Yet, it is "the little foxes that ruin the vineyards" of healthy marriages (Song. 2:15, NIV) Caring for the basic love needs of your mate is not complicated, but it does require consistency and dedication to make sure that your spouse feels love. Next week's blog we will conclude will examine the remaining love languages: acts of service and physical touch.
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